I know you are asking Sara’s thoughts here, and I have only stumbled across this blog today, but I really think card games etc teach lots of skills, not least of which is how to deal with disappointment. They are a great way to model positive interactions such as being excited for others when things go well for them, even when you might be disappointed at losing – on this note, I always “let” my kids win sometimes, because that let them see how I could lose and still be happy for them, still be keen to have another go etc. There have been so many fun moments in my family while playing board games, card games and even though there have also been tears, board flips and the like, they still enjoy the process and want to play these games again.

You really hit the nail on the head when you said that “autonomy” is not a child following strict rules in the absence of the parent; I believe that’s how many of us define it, but we’re wrong. It is tough to resist punishing and scolding. There’s a sort of peer pressure to react in a certain way to behavior that’s frustrating or embarrassing. We have to let go of our egos and do what is best for our kids.

When I read biographies of very successful historical figures, I’m often surprised at what they accomplished at a young age. We don’t allow children to explore and develop true confidence enough. We’re treating them like trainees at a new job when we think of autonomy as “following directions without prompting.”

Your mistake was to not give your son enough time to adjust to freedom after a lifetime of parental control. Read the “trustworthy” section of this article https://happinessishereblog.com/2017/08/let-tell-kids-without-control/ When you restrict a child’s access to something they want, it makes them want that thing even more and turns it into a forbidden fruit that must indulged to the fullest at every opportunity. When a child raised this way is suddenly set free, they won’t immediately accept that they are in fact free and fear that it will be takem away at a moment’s notice. As such, they will go crazy and overindulge with what was previously forbidden or restricted. However, this merely the effects of past authoritatianism rebounding on you and once they realize that the forbidden fruit (screens, sweets, etc) will be freely accessible, they will no longer feel the urge to overindulge at any given moment, confident that the previously forbidden fruit will still be there when they return at a later time. The psychology here is very similar to what happens when someone is released from prison after many years behind bars. Former prisoners will have a difficult time readjusting to the freer world, hence the existence of reintegration programs. Former prisoners mau act rashly in ways up to and including re-offending and putting themselves back into the slammer because they have lost their internal inhibitions and the ability to make sound decisions due to years of being under the complete control of a prison warden. A child transitioning from strict control to autonomy will take some time to adjust. Every child is different and six months was clearly not enough for yours. Furthermore, you description of your kid’s behavior as being “hell on earth” is as vague as it is hyperbolic. Instead of justifying that statement, you instead go on to talk about your feelings about how your son did not continue to follow the former rules. Your son’s “sweet” behavior under restrictions may be better for your feelings and ego but which way is HE really happier? And the instance of the act of kindness to his sister and routine generosity may have been more to seek your approval and avoid punishment then genuine altruism. How do you know he acts the same way when you’re not around to make sure? Another problem here is that your rules are arbitrary so a person’s self regulation may not, and likely won’t, align with them. You are missing the point of autonomy because because autonomy is about letting kids make their own decisions and judgement, not about them maintaining YOUR expectations without prompting. Just because your son isn’t behaving to YOUR prior expecations doesn’t mean they are to re-restricted. Kids transitioning to autonomy will be a bit scary at the beginning but if you give them enough time, they will settle down and learn how to self-regulate. If you think your kid needs punishment, then you lack empathy. Adult logic and reason don’t work on kids. The key is empathy, and genuine empathy at that; kids aren’t stupid and can sense when you’re being insincere. Lastly, it seems clear that your opinions on this matter are greatly influenced by your political beliefs which are strongly conservative judging by your politically motivated remarks (like your jeer at Europe) and use of the word “liberal” as a pejorative. Please give your son another chance at autonomy with the above points in mind.