10 Things to Say Instead of 'Stop Crying'
Parenting

10 Things to Say Instead of ‘Stop Crying’

10 Things to Say Instead of 'Stop Crying'

As a parent, you deal with a LOT of feelings on a daily basis. Right? And sometimes, it can all get to be just a little bit much! When you’ve had what seems like hours of multiple people crying at you, the temptation to make it stop is high!

We’ve all said it, or at least thought it. ‘Stop crying! Just stop!’

Or maybe you heard it as a child?

“Don’t be silly”

“Shh, everyone is looking at you”

“Stop that noise, right now!”

“Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!”

But what if I told you that every time you dismiss or minimise your child’s feelings, you actually make your job harder. You very rarely succeed at making them stop anyway, and it’s more likely that they will need more support from you in the future rather than less. If you don’t hear the message they are trying to send you, the messenger just gets louder and louder until you do. Children are looking for empathy and understanding. If they don’t get it, they’ll keep trying.

Crying is ok. It’s a very healthy and necessary way for children to express their feelings, and we don’t need to make them stop. By telling them to ‘stop crying’ we send the message that their feelings are not important, not valid, silly, and annoying. If we want our children to learn how to regulate their emotions, and to trust us with their problems and feelings, then we cannot be dismissive of them when they try to do this!

10 Things to Say Instead of 'Stop Crying'

Crying is always appropriate. Whatever your child is upset about is valid. It might seem trivial to you, but a child does not have an adult perspective on the world. Oftentimes people struggle most with allowing children to express their feelings in public, thinking that it is not an appropriate setting and worrying about other’s reactions or judgement. But let’s not teach them they need to quiet their feelings for others. They will eventually learn our unspoken social rules. One day they will know how to deal with their feelings and express them at times that adults consider ‘appropriate’, but the way we support the development of emotional regulation is by empathy and understanding, not silencing.

“Listen earnestly to anything your children want to tell you, no matter what. If you don’t listen eagerly to the little stuff when they are little, they won’t tell you the big stuff when they are big, because to them all of it has always been big stuff.”
― Catherine M. Wallace

10 Things to Say Instead of ‘Stop Crying’

Sometimes, even when you know that you shouldn’t tell your child to stop crying, it’s hard to know what to say instead! You might feel like you need to do something, but aren’t sure exactly what. As a child if you were often required to silence your feelings for others, these situations can be incredibly uncomfortable. Having grown accustomed to pushing your own feelings aside, the experience of a child fully expressing their sadness, anger, disappointment, or any other negative emotion can be quite triggering. The good news is, practice makes perfect, and it can actually be quite healing for yourself to be able to support your child through their own emotions.

So, what can you say? Here’s some suggestions!

10 Things to Say Instead of 'Stop Crying' 10 Things to Say Instead of 'Stop Crying'

You could also just say nothing! Sometimes no words are needed and physical comfort or presence is enough.

What NOT to do When Your Child is Crying

Don’t distract. When you distract your child from their feelings, you miss a chance to connect and help them learn the emotional regulation skills they will need in the future. You also send the message that their feelings are unimportant, or too much for you to handle. Children need to know that you are capable of dealing with their emotions so that they feel safe and capable too. It’s also a pretty disrespectful way to respond. Imagine opening up to a friend or partner only for them to say ‘ooh but look at my new puppy!’ or something totally irrelevant. You would likely feel shut down, disrespected, embarrassed, and be unlikely to confide in them in the future.

Don’t punish. Punishment and rewards are not a part of respectful parenting. Never punish, threaten, shame, blame, or judge a child for their feelings!

No but’s. When you’re empathising with your child’s feelings, refrain from following it up with a ‘but’. E.g. “You’re sad because you really wanted another piece of cake, but you can’t have one”. ‘But’ kind of invalidates everything that comes before it. It tries to explain away or fix the feelings. There’s no need to do that. Empathising is enough.

10 Things to Say Instead of 'Stop Crying'

Ask too many questions. When your child is full of huge overwhelming feelings, they don’t have the ability to provide answers to lots of questions. Empathise first, ask questions later.

Say ‘it’s ok’. People are well meaning when they say ‘it’s ok’, ‘you’re fine’, ‘shh’, but the thing is, your child is not fine right now. They don’t feel fine, so even though you’re trying to be reassuring, it can come across as minimising their feelings. A simple ‘it’s ok to cry’ is a better option.

Have a time limit. Don’t use empathy as a technique to ultimately stop the crying. That’s not the goal! The aim is to help your child feel heard, understood, validated, and supported. That might take a while, especially if their feelings have been dismissed in the past. There might be a lot to get out! Don’t try empathy for 5 minutes and then declare it ‘doesn’t work’ because your child is still crying. Empathy is not a technique for control, but a way of meeting your child where they are and supporting them.

10 Things to Say Instead of 'Stop Crying'

Next time your child is struggling with an overwhelming feeling, have some of the above phrases memorised and meet them with empathy and understanding. Because they deserve it. Feelings aren’t something to be avoided, but opportunities for connection.

Comments

Dana
January 13, 2017 at 10:56 pm

Great article and ideas and just what I needed today!! The part about suppressing my feeling in the past and hearing her cry or whine is such a trigger for me and I immediately get frustrated but I need to practice more patience! Thank you!! I started following you when I decided I’d homeschool and now I’m totally all in unschooling thanks to you 🙂 but even more importantly I’m becoming a more respectful parent! So thank you very much for bringing joy to our home!!



January 14, 2017 at 12:28 am

Thanks for the positive reinforcement. This is a tough parenting task! I’ve found that backing off and respecting the feelings even if I don’t understand them is the most effective way through.

The most difficult part, as with lots of things, is dealing with well meaning onlookers. I occasionally have to quietly shoo people away who are sure they know the way to get my kid through their metltdown.



Diana
January 14, 2017 at 1:31 am

Thank you so much for this article!
I have noticed that when my daughter gets hurt while playing and comes to me crying, I acknowledge her getting hurt but tend to distract her with jokes or stories so she is not focusing on the pain, what are your thoughts on this approach?



    Doris maertz
    April 12, 2017 at 5:46 am

    I would always ask my child if they were going to be okay. If they said yes, I knew it was just a minimal owie, but if they said no, then time to look into it a little deeper. If they said yes, they were going to be okay, the crying almost always soon stopped but it was on their timetable not mine.



      Sage Hallock
      April 6, 2020 at 3:06 am

      How old is she? Maybe if she is older it will also help doing so. In my case I always give them chocolate and all to cheer them up!



January 15, 2017 at 1:33 am

Oh, I love this! I need to show it to my daughter! She send the 3 yo to her room when she won’t stop crying. Makes my blood boil.



    Hanh Miller
    June 23, 2019 at 8:37 pm

    Also being a grandma, I feel your feeling totally. Like you, I want to show this to my daughter, but I am afraid that her stubbornness will make our relationships under stressed. This is the most difficult part of being grandma.



Zoe
January 16, 2017 at 11:58 pm

This is a tough one. I think there’s more to it, though. Some, probably most, children have a wide variety of responses to disappointment, pain, confusion, anger, and are able to distinguish between small events that are easily managed and larger events that are more of a challenge. There are a few, though, who have an immediate response to challenging events that involves a fair amount of drama for everything from stumbling while playing to a friend wanting to sit quietly for a moment when your own child wants to run a race and run it now. The crying and weeping is to the point that it ruins play dates, alienates friends and negatively impacts others in the household. It’s really hard to be these kids and they need help managing this problem! Clearly it’s not helpful to angrily tell them to stop crying, but they need to have the goal of not falling apart over so many situations. Differentiating between big and small things is a skill that doesn’t come naturally to them. They need to know that their responses need reigning in and they need their parents to help them beyond listening empathetically. The reactions are sometimes manipulative. Their reactions convince themselves that they’re powerless. It’s perfectly reasonable and very helpful for these kids to have an adult point out that they can have a different reaction and how to do it. Being told, “I see you’re disappointed, take a deep breathe and let’s find a solution, let’s look at this differently, how else can you react that lets you keep moving?” isn’t a terrible experience that shames them or diminishes their reality, it enhances their reality and helps them build understanding and self control. You can’t let them continue to have that interpretation of events.



    Sabine
    January 20, 2017 at 7:15 am

    Saying this to a child that is very overwhelmed: “I see you’re disappointed, take a deep breathe and let’s find a solution, let’s look at this differently, how else can you react that lets you keep moving?”

    sound pretty good. If you say this with pauses in between, giving some space to the feelings.

    It’s a lot different than “Don’t cry or I’ll give you something to cry about ” ;D



    Leigh
    February 12, 2017 at 3:48 am

    This is where I struggle and why I read this article. I have a six year old who has always been prone to whining and throwing fits to get what he wants. He started kindergarten this year and that behavior has increased tremendously. He cries about the tiniest little things if they don’t go his way. And he cries and cries (more like a blubbering lip quivering sob which he never used to do) for what seems like forever but definitely more than just a few minutes. On the other hand he also gets very angry sometimes and screams at everyone. He is one of nine children so our house is generally loud and emotions run high, but out of all of the children he is the only one who exhibits an inability to self-regulate. This is a daily occurrence that starts almost as soon as he gets home from school and doesn’t stop until he goes to sleep. The other children get upset but not nearly as much or as intensely as he does, and they are able to calm down or be comforted quickly. The unfortunate thing is his youngest sibling is an infant who requires a lot of my time. I find it nearly impossible to give him time to process his feelings and I don’t even know how to effectively help him do that due to my own upbringing. I’ve had an initial appointment with a therapist because I’m desperate to help him, but I know therapy doesn’t always help depending on the relationship with the therapist. Any other suggestions for helping him cope that can especially work in a large busy family?



      Neha Priya
      April 20, 2017 at 2:46 pm

      recently my kid 3 years, also started kinder garden, and his behaviour also changed and i have a 10 month old baby too. but by listening to him, his tempers improved. most of the time children behave in the way they do because they need attention or they are uncomfortable about something and they don’t know how to express it or correct it. Secondly when a kid starts school he doesn’t get all the preferences he enjoyed at home being the smallest, so he exerts himself where he can. In such a situation you and your partner should have turns becoming his confederate and once you gain his trust, you can guide him in the right and wrong of what he wants and how he behaves. you can also point out that he cannot express his point while he is crying . So he needs to become audible which cannot happen until he is crying



    Marley
    February 16, 2017 at 7:51 am

    I agree with you – I think once they are calm and understood etc it is important to teach perspective on these things and giving them tools to be able to gauge what situations are more or less serious. I think that does just naturally come with age though too.



    March 2, 2017 at 7:08 am

    I 100% agree with you. The first hng I was thinking the same thing.



      March 2, 2017 at 7:25 am

      I think teaching to self- regulate is important and while crying is a catharsisfor that, youhave to teach you children how to cope be more proactive in their self-control and not just reactive. I would also say, get the family involved, it maybe a problem at school or a emotional need he is lacking that is specific to him. My four year old, does that, but I have a ritual in the morning that as soon as she’s up I spend and hour with just her, and she dictates the hour. It really centers her emotionally. You may not have an Hour. Maybe it’s 30 mins. But make the time he needs to focus completely on him. He’s manipulating you because he’s reacting
      to a specific emotional need. Get the family involved to facilitate that. Maybe he’s trying to figure out his place with an added child and he feels lost. idk that’s my suggestion. There’s this really good book by Gary Chapman called the 5 Love languages for children. It give good perspective about the importance of emotional need fulfillment. And how to access that need.



    LT
    April 5, 2019 at 12:00 am

    Children need parenting and instruction. They can’t raise themselves. I don’t see how letting your child have a meltdown for as long as they want is helpful. Controlling your emotions and not letting your emotions control you, is something that you have to learn and practice. At what age is it not OK to have a meltdown and cause other people around you to be uncomfortable? I think this letting children manage themselves is a reason we have so many dysfunctional, self-centered, unstable, unproductive adults in our society.



      Successful MomofNINE
      April 19, 2019 at 3:03 am

      Thank you. I absolutely agree with you here.



      Shiveda
      October 1, 2019 at 4:28 pm

      I absolutely agree on that. Parental involvement is very essential but needs to be calibrated well. More importantly empathize with the child.. experience the child’s feeling and reach out to them. It’s a humongous task at hand ..feels like bouncers in the initial stages. Don’t give up! It’s a mutual process and reqiring more effort from your little one infact. So you can’t afford to back out. Practice until the process becomes effortless



      Megan B
      January 6, 2020 at 2:23 pm

      I couldn’t agree more. I found this article because my 8 year old ( very intelligent, mature 8 year old) was just having a melt down because she realized it was Sunday and she had to go back to school the next day after Christmas break. I thought to myself “How will she cope with actual obstacles if she is THIS upset about simply going to school.” I think persevering and finding ways to cope is also something we need to teach our children or they won’t grow up properly. Am I thinking right?



    Megan B
    January 6, 2020 at 2:22 pm

    I couldn’t agree more. I found this article because my 8 year old ( very intelligent, mature 8 year old) was just having a melt down because she realized it was Sunday and she had to go back to school the next day after Christmas break. I thought to myself “How will she cope with actual obstacles if she is THIS upset about simply going to school.” I think persevering and finding ways to cope is also something we need to teach our children or they won’t grow up properly. Am I thinking right?



Margaret
January 20, 2017 at 7:31 pm

Make the most of the chance to cuddle cos they soon grow out of them xxx



January 30, 2017 at 10:15 am

I’m so glad to see empathic, needs-oriented parenting tips. Glad to have found your blog and Insta.Thanks for the reminder that it’s hard to do a ‘don’t’. Silent kindness to myself for the distress or frustration I feel hearing that crying or other behaviour often helps me get centred and clearer. I’m training myself to silently guess what I’m needing and name that in my head before I do or say anything. Eg: I love it when I have peace …. or I love it when I have ease … or I love it when I have support. Thanks to Mary McKenzie who taught that tip.



Liz
February 5, 2017 at 9:57 am

Thanks, great advice.



February 5, 2017 at 4:27 pm

A great reminder to parents, especially those with toddlers like ourselves! Thanks for these tips – it’s putting what we know into practice that’s hard, but that’s what parenting is all about. We just keep trying and learning all our lives, isn’t it? 🙂



Holly
February 6, 2017 at 2:16 am

This is great and all but what do I do when my son isn’t really crying at all. He likes to fake cry to try and manipulate me to do things his way. He is is 4 by the way.



    Tina
    February 10, 2017 at 2:20 am

    “fake” crying is a way to get attention or manipulate a situation. Try to get to the core of the behavior and address that instead of the “crying”.



      Minah
      May 5, 2019 at 1:30 am

      I agree. My step son does this all the time and although he is adorable I don’t want to feed into that behavior. It’s one thing if they are in pain or are bleeding, but crying just got the sake of manipulating the situation we are not feeling into at home. Big kid words are better. Also, those kids don’t just grow out of it cause they are not learning to self soothe, they just grow into those adults who are self entitled and whine about everything instead of learning to work with others.



    Hope
    November 22, 2017 at 4:07 pm

    Wow lady, it’s a four year old, you have your owned warped sense of reality to work on first.It’s your job to love guide and show support and guidance, not to make your child the enemy because you lack the skills to parent.



      Holly Hagerman
      July 27, 2018 at 8:04 pm

      Look at what you just wrote in response…on an article about empathy and understanding. Sometimes it DOES feel like you’re being manipulated and that doesn’t feel good. And you’ve got to shift your perspective. No need for parent shaming.



Tina
February 10, 2017 at 2:18 am

Depends on the situation. I always try to address feelings before dismissing – but my kids are overly dramatic and once they learn that they can cry and wail to get their way its REALLY hard to undo. But I always try to talk it through first.



    Kim
    April 11, 2017 at 10:21 pm

    She wasn’t saying to give them their way. You can empathize and validate feelings and still keep a boundary up. I think thats a big misconception about gentle parenting. You can be gentle without being permissive. You can empathize without giving in. You can correct without hitting.



Jenny
February 16, 2017 at 2:01 am

Love this!!! My baby is small, but such a great thing to remember for the future! Thanks for these posts 😊



cristina
February 17, 2017 at 10:32 am

I will admit it, I have used these words with my kids numerous times and reading this reminded me of the deep issues I grew up with suppressing my feelings and being told not to cry or talk… I really do not want my kids growing up the same way…I have issues now communicating my feelings even with my husband… i can’t use words, but only tears letting others know I am not feeling well. I want to change and not put my kids in the same situation as me. This article sure will help. I have taken a picture of the 10 things to say… thanks!



    Donna Marie :)
    February 17, 2017 at 12:03 pm

    Cristina, I had similar experiences growing up, and am working on finding my voice. I was gifted a series of books one of my sisters found valuable, as others, with this common challenge. The author is Brene Brown, the first titled, “I thought It Was Just Me.” This is one of many tools I wish I had when my daughter was young, but I can still use the practice and skills moving forward, and in dialogue with my daughter now so she can recognize any ineffective skills I have inherently transferred and learn better communication methods sooner. 💚



Alexa
February 27, 2017 at 9:13 pm

My son threw a fit for 15 min bc he didn’t want to go into church class. He is six and he’s started to do this with everything. Doing feeling words here for an hour isn’t gonna work. So I don’t see these tips as useful to that situation. He was fit throwing in the classroom I told him was not appropriate and stand by it.



Mark
February 28, 2017 at 2:27 pm

I don’t agree with this article as it does not differentiate between tears of sadness and tears of a tantrum. The way I parent, the tears of a tantrum need to be ignored while the tantrum disciplined – as it is their strongest tool of defiance and parent manipulation. For tears of saddness, yes we need to empathise but I’m all for helping them cope and process their emotions at an early age, by helping them think through the situation. To me, appropriately disciplining tantrums gives a child greater emotional fortitude and helps them understand the boundaries of what is appropriate and what is not.

Of course, the parent yelling at their child to “STOP CRYING!” isn’t a healthy approach either. A parent needs to find their zen, breathe and address the root of the tears appropriately.



    February 28, 2017 at 2:46 pm

    “Tantrums” are a form of communication from a child who is at the end of their rope trying to get their message across. They don’t need ‘discipline’, they need as much understanding as any other emotion.



    Kim
    April 12, 2017 at 8:48 am

    Sorry, couldn’t even finish reading your comment. Tantrums are an overwhelmed child trying to deal with their emotions. They do not need to be “disciplined” (I’m sure you really mean punished). They still need to be met with empathy…that doesn’t mean you give them what they want just to appease them or quiet them. Limits what to be set and sometimes that means they aren’t going to like it or know how to handle the way it makes them feel. Gentle parenting is not the same as permissive parenting.



      jeanette heaton
      May 7, 2017 at 1:07 am

      The idea that a young child throwing a tantrum is misbehaving or being naughty or “manipulative”and therefore needing “discipline” is very unhelpful for effective parenting. Parents who get into power struggles with the child who throws tantrums are not doing themselves or their child any favours! Step back, stay calm, offer help with empathy and understanding – you are your child’s lifeline and in a meltdown they need this more than any other time! Most parents fail at this because despite good intentions they have inappropriate expectations of their young child and possibly unexamined values and emotional issues from their own childhood. As the adult, step into your child’s shoes and model the behaviour you would like to see from them. Stay patient and treat your child as you would like to be treated when you have something not going your way…with empathy love and support!



Helen
March 3, 2017 at 9:29 pm

I really like the 10 things. I’ll share it with teachers and parents .



March 11, 2017 at 9:44 am

One of the best comments I ever heard was from a man who wrote a series of workshops for Teachers and Teachers Aides, this course was called F.A.T. City, frustration anxiety and tension in children with learning difficulties. A teacher complained that this boy who was throwing a crying tantrum was only doing it for attention. His response was “Then give him some.”



Adam
March 14, 2017 at 3:49 am

I like the article and I’m going to apply these techniques with my 5 year old.
Concerns:
Does this make kids weak? “Snowflake”

I always want to do the right thing but I don’t always known what that is.



    jeanette heaton
    May 7, 2017 at 1:19 am

    No you need not worry about this – the more empathy understanding and support you can give your young child the greater his sense of security and confidence. Young children especially boys need a lot of support and validation especially from their dads – a warm caring relationship from good strong attachment parenting will set your children up for life! There is lots of great parenting advice out there – I recommend Steve Biddulph’s Secrets of Happy Children and Raising Boys /Raising Girls. Daniel Siegel has great books including No Drama Discipline. Good for you being such a concerned and caring Dad!



Caroline
April 11, 2017 at 12:11 am

This is a great article. But I’m curious what it is we can do to help our children self regulate? When I respond to my 6-year-old son in the ways suggested in this article, he continues crying for a very long time and can’t really snap out of it. Aside from being here to listen when he’s upset, how can I help him through it?



    rachel
    April 12, 2017 at 6:09 am

    I’m not sure what the author of the article would say, but we let our kids cry in a “safe space”. For example, if our 2 year old is crying and whining because she’s tired and dinner was later than usual, we tell her that while she’s at the table we would like it if she ate, or even just sat and talked. But since we want to enjoy our meal if she needs to cry/whine we will put her in her room (she then is allowed to come out when she tells us she is ready, either to sit with us or to play in our vicinity). Basically, this particular child cannot self-regulate with us around. We’ve learned that from when she was very young (approx. 14 months) and she was throwing tantrums all that help her calm down was some space. But that’s because she was tantruming due to over-stimulation. You have to look at WHY the child is crying. Is it really over the fact that I didn’t cut her dinner up into tiny pieces? Or is it just the end of a very long day and she needs some space (cuddles don’t work for her)?



      Christopher
      September 3, 2020 at 7:53 pm

      I feel you. My 5 year old daughter cried because i kicked her ball on the roof. I consoled her and told her that i understand and must be hard. I gave her a cuddle etc etc. She cried for an hour, in the end i yelled at her and she stopped crying. How long can you actually gove someone empathy vefore it runs out?



Kirsten
April 15, 2017 at 3:18 am

How do you allow for feelings and simultaneously maintain a boundary (as is often suggested) without using “but”. That seems to be my biggest problem. For example. 2 year old just grabbed the container of raisins. I take them and explain “we aren’t going to eat raisins right now. It’s almost lunchtime. I will give you some raisins with your lunch.” Then she starts whining and fussing. I just read this article so instead of telling her to stop I said “you’re sad you have to wait to eat raisins.” More whining/”fake” crying…. this is where I got lost. And I want to say “you are sad you have to wait, but I can’t let you eat raisins right now or else you won’t be hungry for lunch”. But that’s a “but” statement. What do I do instead to maintain the boundary?



Clare Kennedy
June 3, 2017 at 5:32 am

lovely, thank you!



Jose C. Nunez
September 29, 2017 at 2:45 am

I love this article and the message it sends parents about children that it’s okay to cry. I have been sending this message to my parents of the children in my care as an early childhood educator for over 27 years. Now I have an article to support my actions that parents can understand. I would suggest offering this article in Spanish because it is quite prevalent in Latino cultures to say “no llores” to children to children and then threaten and punish them when they can’t stop crying. Parents need to know how important it is for children’s EI Emotional Intelligence for their feelings to be validated so they can learn to self regulate their emotions and express their feelings. Thank you and I wish you well!



October 1, 2017 at 1:27 am

I love this so much! Could I translate these 10 things into French for my blog? I will obviously give you credit and make a link to your blog! Thank you 🙂



Neetha Raja Ram
October 4, 2017 at 2:15 am

These are great tips which I do follow however am having difficulties handling my 9yo boy who is very emotional, can be rude or I know it all and certainly wants all out attention.
I am kinda stuck if you could give me some tips please. Oh I have a younger one who is 4.



natasha
October 9, 2017 at 3:57 am

Hello
I have a son that 5 years old , his in pre primary school going to grade 1 next here ,his done very well in school work but his struggling to make friends. His being playing to rough and ends up fighting with the kids ,his school wants me to take him to see a psycologist because when they put him in the naughty corner , he just goes and does it again ,they say his not taking it seriously and that there’s a lot more strict rules next year and at his age his still wetting his pants during the day at school and at home . I have been to psycologist they can only help him when his 6 years old but the school wants it sorted out before he goes to grade 1 , I don’t know what to do anymore ,please help me



Shay
January 23, 2018 at 10:21 am

The only time we really need her to be quiet is when putting the toddler to bed so she doesn’t wake the baby. That just starts a crazy cycle that takes hours to fix. In thise cases we don’t really have time to empathize until she stops crying. Also sometimes she crys not bc she’s sad or hurt but more of a whine bc ahe didn’t get juice or soda. Empathize with that too until she stops crying on her own? I don’t see how this works when you have other kids who sometimes need more immediate attention… I’m open to ideas….



Annette bloomfield
February 8, 2018 at 10:37 pm

I agree with everything written! However, I run a preschool with 10 kids. It’s really hard when one because they don’t get what they want and keep screaming. It makes the others act out and my insides go a bit crazy. I know we can’t muzzle the child or make them stop but still. It’s hard to read there isn’t a time limit when I feel I’m about to explode myself and empathizing more than 5 minutes when a child is mad is really hard.



Jenny
March 2, 2018 at 4:29 am

One of the best articles, I have come across. Good read for all the first time mothers. One of my friend gave also gave great method to put and for sure its working for me!!!
no more worries to put the my LO to sleep…. just put the music and let you LO sleep.
All the new moms please try once



Lata
May 14, 2018 at 2:47 pm

Thanks for your suggestion



June 6, 2018 at 2:26 pm

Hey, it’s an interesting way to stop baby crying. I have a 3 year old child. I like the article and I’m going to apply these techniques with my child. Thanks for the sharing.



Judy H.
June 19, 2018 at 1:59 pm

Thank you for this thoughtful article. Our daughter was born when I was 21 yrs. old, our son joined us 17 months later. I had no idea about parenting, I like to say my children and I raised each other. When they reached the age where they were able to express their thoughts, fears, ideas, feelings and tell their own adventures, I became keenly aware of never wanting to hurt their feelings, show them disrespect, laugh at them or be dismissive of anything that was important to them. I told my husband I thought that was one of the worst things we could ever show or do to our babies. I don’t know why that idea came upon me with such urgency and dominance, but I like to think that promise we made to ourselves about our children was, next to unconditional love, the best gift we could have given to them. Today, I am a 60-year-old Gramma to 6 and some of my sweetest moments have been watching my adult children showing that same respect and understanding to those 6 little angels. Last weekend, our 9-year-old grandson took a terrible fall on his bicycle, hitting the sidewalk with all knees and elbows. He ran into the house, trying so hard not to cry. As I swooped him up into my arms, my heart swelled when I heard his Daddy tell him it was OKAY to cry. He said, “Look at you, you scraped the skin from both elbows, both knees AND your chin, that HURTS, you’re supposed to cry.”



    Clare Kennedy
    June 21, 2018 at 5:20 am

    wow if only every parent was as sweet and compassionate and smart as you what a world this owuld be! great job! <3



July 27, 2018 at 7:50 pm

How does this work on a toddler that is preverbal? I don’t feel like I can rationalize and often he cries when I set him down. I’m pregnant and just can’t physically hold him very long. Sometimes he distracts himself, but often he just sits and cries and cries and since I work I can’t stop and always spend time w him. If I get on the floor with him then he often wants to crawl in my lap. This is one example of many – maybe I close a door he wants to go through (to dangerous stairs). How do you handle preverbal kids?



Joy Ma
August 23, 2018 at 10:00 am

I have 2.5 years old boy, always express his tantrum since 2. I think he has his own thought, he is willing to do something by his routine and not mine. Sometimes, (I feel so tired) we shouted at him to stop him but he copied it from me now. He talks loud, always say “No” and bad temper. I feel so sad now I made him like that. Anyone can give me advises how to solve it?
I always feel tired as I am full time working mum and work Mon-Sat. I am the only person who looking after him at night for 5 nights per week (Only my boy and me have dinner together). Because my husband works second job at night and comes back home at midnight. Therefore, we did not see each other unless I sleep late.
I know that I am facing lot of problem but cannot solve at the moment.
Hope anyone can share your thought or give me some solutions.
Thank you very much.





October 12, 2018 at 9:07 am

I just started a job in a nursery and this is exactly what I feel is missing EMPATHY and UNDERSTANDING and it seems to be the culture. I’m about to change that.. starting by sharing this excellent blog!



Julian
November 6, 2018 at 6:31 am

I can’t stand crybaby 10 year old step son to be… it is no good advise telling us that it is ok to cry, it is NOT. I hate it and that is what matters. He cries for no reason. He cries in his sleep. He coughs, then starts to cry. He falls off his bike and will cry. What a sook… The worst thing, he seems to think his peers since they are all crybabies, it is ok… not only that, i have had to teach him since he was about 9 year old to do basic tasks like do his shoelaces because the country he was brought up in, a 10 year old seems to have the intellect of a 5 year old everywhere else, this just makes things worst. A 10 year crybaby with a 5 year old brain!!! Can you imagine? It happens because the parents are so stupid and neglectful that everyone here gets nannies who have nothing to teach kids but feel obliged to serve them whatever their wim. Anyway, now this 10 year old has a 6 year old intellect since I knew him he has gone up a year because he now can walk to school by himself (can you believe that?)… sigh…



She Anka parsons
November 7, 2018 at 3:02 am

My daughter cry almost everyday.she is 5yrs old in school. I need help to get her to stop crying .if u ask her to do anything she cry. U talk to her even look at her with a face she cries.plc help me



    Keira
    January 10, 2019 at 11:25 am

    I am really sorry for your situation. Even though I’m am not a parent and I am a child I think I can help. Help her accept her feelings. Name the feelings. Then express them by doing something that makes her happy. Please trust me. I have experience with my own feelings at eleven years old.



Nora
November 26, 2018 at 9:40 pm

I was wrong.Whenever my deughter cried l reject her and tried to make happy her.afortunately she can’t control her felling and crying is hard for her even in awful condition.I’m sorry beacuse my big mistake😢.



Chaz
January 1, 2019 at 4:34 am

my daughter is very dramatically seeking her daddys attention when we both home. She crys and wants daddy to do everything for her. She will not let him have a shower or have a tea. She will cry when he is in the bathroom. She refuses me saying “i dont want to talk to you”, and she will also not let me come near to her.
I am actually ok with it as she do not often get both of us home together. But i want to find out why she does that.
But when she is with me she is gpod and very loving she doesnt run after me, she plays when im in the bathroom and we play together etc.
Also daddy and i are planning for a divorce and my daughter will be staying with me. I want to know what possible effect she might have after this and how to minimize them.



Keira
January 10, 2019 at 11:20 am

Hi. I am a child (eleven years old) and I came across this website. I wish my parents did this with me because I have so much bottled up stress and I don’t feel like I can trust anyone to express these feelings. I don’t really know what to do now about it. But I can really open minded when I read the suggestions for parenting on this website



Keira
January 10, 2019 at 11:21 am

Hi. I am a child (eleven years old) and I came across this website. I wish my parents did this with me because I have so much bottled up stress and I don’t feel like I can trust anyone to express these feelings. I don’t really know what to do now about it. But I became really open minded when I read the suggestions for parenting on this website so thank you:)



Liz henwood
January 18, 2019 at 12:38 am

I have a 10 yr old grandson who is loved by both his parents who separated when his mum was pregnant. She was 17 he 21 his mum us single his dad recently married at age 31. Grandson is 10 and very emotional.cries for 3 hrs at beginning if his fathers visitation of ,4 days. Repeatedly states he is worried his mum is going to run away from him. She hated him and doesn’t want Jim any more. After crying himself to sleep and cuddling his Teddy he spends the next 3 days happily with dad. Occasionally he thinks if his mum and starts getting sad again but with step siblings he can easily be distracted. His can we stop the 3 hr crying at each fn visit. .





March 14, 2019 at 6:00 pm

I think I am in love with these words
great information
thank you for sharing



March 29, 2019 at 2:28 pm

As much as this is appropriate I would have to disagree to some extent. Throwing a fit/tantrum then crying because they didn’t get there way isn’t something to sugar coat. But yes positive reinforcement is a must when they are actually sad/upset. Great phrase to use though!



Successful MomofNINE
April 19, 2019 at 3:16 am

This is great advice if you are consoling your child that is hurt. If they are throwing a tantrum then they are manipulating you. You can go through your life as a parent being manipulated or your can teach your children coping skills. For example. If two children are fighting over the same toy. I will put the toy in time out. The children will be sad, but as we talk about why the toy is placed in time out because the toy caused the children to have a conflict. This still validates that I love the children. They are good. The toy is bad. I will even go so far as to say if they are going to throw a screaming tantrum that I will throw that bad toy in the garbage if they can’t gain control over their emotions. I am able to do all of this while holding and loving the child because the relationship is still there because the toy was misbehaving not the child. It does teach the child that if I’m going to fight over this toy, it will be put in time out and I will have to find something else to do. I will love and comfort the child for as long as they need as long as I can have a conversation with the child and we are both in control of emotions which happens with this type of parenting. It is miraculous. I am a mother of nine. A daughter of twelve. A pre-school teacher of more than I can number. And a grandmother of eleven that are my own and many more that I care for as a grandma every week during grandma playtime. I also care for my handicapped sister-in-law. I feel I know a little bit of what I’m talking about.



Susendira lekasj
July 16, 2019 at 3:17 am

I need conclusion



Edith
August 1, 2019 at 5:58 pm

This is quiet interesting



September 18, 2019 at 8:16 pm

thank you very much for writing tips in this article. I want to ask how to explain to learn to control his emotions?



September 24, 2019 at 10:22 pm

I have a sister, if she cries i just need to hug her and she stops crying. btw, thank you for writing this article I get free knowledge, keep writing good articles



October 9, 2019 at 9:56 pm

what if the child continues to cry without stopping?



Mallika samson
October 15, 2019 at 4:17 am

I realised that I haven’t handled nor understood the feelings of my 4 year old grand daughter. This article gave me confidence and knowledge not only to empathise but also deal with her..



November 16, 2019 at 11:39 am

Hi Sara,
No doubt that your thoughts are really very effective and child-friendly. I think, all your suggestions will be very helpful to every single human being in the world.

Thanks for your well-written article.

Priyota Parma
Executive Coordinator
Familima



Cris
January 12, 2020 at 11:04 am

I have a two year old and a 5 year old and they cry and fight all damn day that I’m so tired of it. I can’t deal with it nor have the patience for it and find myself yelling all the time. It’s so bad that even my hubby is so exhausted with the situation. It’s just him and I no support group what so ever. Wish I could be more patient but they’ve killed it for me.



Angie
January 31, 2020 at 9:11 am

I’m not sure re-direction is such a bad thing. It’s the only thing that works for my daughter who gets SO absorbed in what she is crying about she forgets WHY!



February 13, 2020 at 11:21 pm

Thanks a lot tomorrow morning will I try it my 6 year old daughter always cry when I just want to drop her off at school she says always I mast stand by her and. There is every morning friends that. Stands by us and look at her well she is crying and when the bell rings she crying harder. And keep on saying she’s going to miss me what can I do she don’t want to go and play ( and I need help. My 1 year old son he likes to throw tantrums and if I tell him no it’s Notty then he cams and give me a smak can someone please give me desiplin him please



October 22, 2020 at 11:06 pm

This article is horrible and like the rest of internet advice. Thats why so many parents have problem children/teens. To nice. Everyones advice is to be nicer to these spoiled, entitled, selfish kids nowadays. Be tough or your kid will run over you.



Ninna Gomarteli
December 11, 2020 at 9:00 am

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Ninna Gomarteli
December 11, 2020 at 9:06 am

My Lover is came back to me and my life got back just like a completed puzzle… am so happy.. thanks to Robinsonbuckler @ {yahoo }. com…🙂🙂💕



December 31, 2020 at 8:49 pm

What an inspirational article. Thanks for sharing.





stam
February 2, 2021 at 2:12 pm

Thanks for your article. I have a 3 yo that is still throwing temper tantrums like in terrible 2.

You write that we shouldn’t use “buts” with the example of a child getting all emo about not being able to have cake, but you didn’t leave a better alternative in that particular situation. Could you please provide one? Otherwise it’s quite a cliff hanger.

My child could be throwing a tantrum for 30-45mins straight with no signs of stopping. Surely this isn’t right and there should be a way to manage frequent outbursts like these. Sometimes I am convinced that some children (a personality thing) can and will do this because they are testing boundaries. In my case, I have an extremely stubborn kid and this is one aspect where he’s got way more patience than us and if we just tried to follow the examples so far written, he would actually choose to not stop (like he gets a kick out of getting on your nerve or something).



February 12, 2021 at 7:59 pm

Thanks for the positive support. This is a tough parenting task! I’ve found that backing off and respecting the feelings even if I don’t understand them is the most effective way through. . Thanks for sharing such an inspirational article.



February 27, 2021 at 1:38 pm

My mom is yelling and acting mean to me and my sisters it is scary



May 1, 2021 at 8:53 pm

Lay your baby on their side in the cot and rhythmically pat baby’s back. Gently turn baby onto their back if they fall asleep.



July 3, 2021 at 10:27 pm

Thank you for the amazing post.



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