If You Only Knew The Amazing Things Your Child Could Do Without School
I recently read this article titled ‘If You Only Knew The Amazing Things Your Child Does In School All Day’. When I saw the title I wondered to myself if there was something I was missing? Were there amazing things about school I was unaware of? I was pretty sure the answer was no, but being a person who always likes to challenge myself and be informed about all the options, I clicked.
And I was shocked.
Not in a good way.
I didn’t find anything I was unaware of. Not even close. But what shocked me, was that this was supposed to be ‘amazing’! If this is the positive spin on school, then I am truly sad about that. This is what children learn? And we’re supposed to be amazed and grateful for that?
“She follows the appropriate protocol of her classroom routines”
“When she completes her seat-work, she follows the directions given for what to do next.”
“She knows where she should be, whether in her chair, at a table or on the floor. She is aware of the classroom schedule and it’s accompanying expectations. She is encouraged to think about making smooth transitions and to anticipate needs and expectations for what lies ahead.”
Amazing? No. Dull, boring and robotic? Yes.
Is this the best we can hope for? Are these even things we WANT our children learning? Most of them were things I’d try to avoid in favour of self motivation and creativity.
I can’t help thinking that if people actually knew what children were like without school, then there is no way they would settle for this.
So please, allow me to tell you about the amazing little people that we are lucky enough to know, and what they are truly like without institutionalised ‘education’.
Your child is a learner. They were born that way! You witnessed it from ages 0-5 when they learnt everything they needed to know. From how to smile and roll over, to how to walk and talk. You couldn’t stop their learning if you tried. It didn’t need to be controlled or coerced back then, and it doesn’t need to be now either. Your child has an amazing ability to learn everything they need to know for their life, if only you would give them the freedom to follow their curiosity.
Your child is a mathematician. Your child won’t “actively participate in math activities for more than 60 minutes every day”. She probably won’t do workbooks either. Instead, math will be seamlessly integrated into her life, the way it is for everyone else. Math is everywhere. All around us. It cannot be captured in a worksheet. To a child who hasn’t been subjected to a maths class, math is beautiful and exciting and interesting in a way that is hard to imagine for someone who has been schooled.
Your child is an author. They probably don’t “memorize word patterns and work on spelling and grammar” too often. They dream up stories from their imagination about anything and everything. They write them down using whatever colour pen, pencil, or texta they want. You might find them writing while sitting at a table, up a tree, on the trampoline, in bed, or sprawled on the grass. Wherever and whenever inspiration strikes! Having never been evaluated or compared to other people, they feel confident and happy with how they express themselves on paper.
Your child teaches themselves to read. You probably find this VERY hard to believe. But then you see it. Your child is surrounded by literacy, you have time to read to them often, they ask many questions and you’re there to answer them. And then one day, they’re reading. Amazingly, they have worked it all out themselves without any ‘program’ or ‘lessons’. Your child is a capable learner, ready to teach herself anything, even how to read, if given the time and space.
Your child is a scientist. Your child may not follow instructions in a book to test hypotheses that were never posed by them, to find answers that other people already know. But they are out there in the world, head full of questions and eyes full of wonder. They are truly experimenting and seeking answers to their own questions, every day.
Your child is free. Your child doesn’t “make choices on how to spend her free time both in the classroom and outside during the limited free time the class may have or earn through positive behavioural choices” (yeah, that was literally one of the AMAZING things kids do in school. I know right? You can’t make this stuff up). No. All of your child’s time is their own. They make the choices about when and what they do, and they don’t need to earn that right by meeting adult expectations. They learn how to spend their time by being in charge of their time! They follow their passions and interests and consequently are not easily ‘bored’ or looking to others to entertain them.
Your child is capable. They don’t need every moment of their lives micromanaged. From what to wear, when to eat, when to sleep, how to think, who to be friends with. They make their own choices. They contribute willingly to family life because they want to. They join in with all the aspects of daily life, instead of being isolated from it, gaining valuable skills they will actually use in the future. They can likely cook, clean, handle money, build, and many other useful things from a young age.
Your child knows who they are. Without the constant demands and instruction from adults, your child grows to truly know themselves. They know what they like and don’t like and they aren’t afraid to let you know! They’re unlikely to be influenced by what’s ‘cool’ and what’s not. They’ve been taught to trust and respect themselves, and that they are in control of their own lives. They feel confident and capable.
Your child is creative. They have an amazing imagination and their head is constantly full of ideas! They are never at a loss for things to do and often have many projects on the go at once. They are inspired in a way that is often deemed ‘unusual’ for schooled children! Their energy is contagious.
“We didn’t have a name for it, but my friends and I often noticed that our kids–– who didn’t go to school–– had this quality of attention as they moved through the world. They were in a different mental state from schooled kids. You could see it. They noticed everything. They remembered everything. Their minds were open, clear, alert, at ease. If something caught their interest, they were on it with laser focus. When we encountered adults who were used to dealing with groups of school kids — at museums, aquariums, archaeological sites, animal-tracking hikes, beach clean-ups, citizen science projects –– they would say they had never seen kids like this before. They would be sort of dumbfounded by it. They expected all children to be wound up, tuned out, half-frantic with suppressed energy, like a dog who’s been locked in the house all day.” –Carol Black
Your child is motivated. Your child hasn’t been taught that learning is ‘work’. They don’t need to be motivated by rewards and punishments. Learning is a part of life and they love it as much as they did when they were babies. No one killed their love of learning at age 5, so they continue to be motivated to learn about and discover the world.
Your child has friends. Friends of all different ages and stages! They weren’t determined by seat allocation but by connection and shared interests. Authentic and real friendships based on mutual respect and enjoyment.
Your child plays. Play is not reduced to 30 minutes at lunch time or in the evening. They play all day and every day, and they don’t distinguish between play and ‘learning’. In a world where children’s play is restricted, to their detriment, your child is free to follow their instincts and develop how they were designed to.
Your child is content. Instead of feeling the stress and pressure that comes with mainstream schooling, they are unrushed and unburdened.
Your child is connected. Connected to you, to their siblings, to their friends, to extended family, to their community. You don’t spend most of their waking hours apart, and therefore you get to truly know your children and who they are without the world telling them who they should be. Your relationships are deepened by time spent together and mutual trust and respect. They confide in you, and enjoy spending time with you. Siblings develop strong bonds that will last a lifetime.
“The age segregation in schools socializes children to look with disdain at those who are younger (much to the detriment of their relationships with siblings) and to conform themselves to whatever expectations people have for their age group.” – Rue Kream
Your child is unique. And the best part? Your child could be all of the above, some of the above, or something totally different. Because they are unique. They are not made to think the same things, learn the same things, wear the same things, play the same things as other children their age day in and day out. Instead, they blossom into the perfectly unique person that they were made to be. They have fascinating interests and ideas, because no one tells them that there are certain times for learning certain things. They are completely free to be who they are and it is the greatest pleasure to know them.
A child without school or any other coercive learning environment is inspired, motivated, capable, free, joyful, independent, and a thousand other things! That spark in their eye and joyful energy has not been dimmed. They voraciously learn all they can about their world and you get to be there to witness it. They are an absolute pleasure to know and spend your days with.
A child without school is amazing, and if more people knew what they were like, I can’t help but think that they wouldn’t be so quick to send them away to be molded into something different.
Love this! Do you ever suggest ideas? I feel my 5 year old does the same activities for months at a time. Colors with her favorite crayons and moves blankets and large items around to make imaginative living spaces and such. I suggest painting or going outside but it’s not super interesting to her. Do you suggest ‘do you want to read?’ If you feel they haven’t had much reading lately?
Hi Dana! I don’t usually suggest anything. Unless it’s something that I really want to share with them in the same way I would share something with my husband or a friend that I know they’d love and want to know about. So it’s really about intention iykwim? If my intention is that I want them to learn a certain thing and would rather them spending their time in other ways because I’m feeling anxious about it, then I don’t share. I wait and watch and assess my own motivations. But if the intention is just to share something authentically the way I would in another relationship, then I do. Did that make sense?
Hi there. When I am hoping my kids will choose to do something, then I do it. They are usually curious about what I’m doing and will often then choose to join me. So if you’re hoping she’ll choose to paint, break out the paints and start painting.
So perfect!! I loved every word! My two unschooled kids are now 14 and 16 and I’d rather hang out with them then anyone else on the planet!
Same here. They are SO COOL.
I have done some type of unschooling/homeschooling/doing teams and electives at the public schools, for 15 years now. I’m wondering, are you aware of many scholarships for college with this type of education? My kids want to go to college, and we can have a state scholarship, if they graduate from a public education. Any ideas? Thank you.
This is wonderful!! My daughter said schools are for turning out worker drones! And I so agree! School is torture for kids!
LOL I would agree.
Unfortunately, there is a very large portion of the civilized world that are brainwashed to want their children to grow up obeying authority and not questioning anything around them. The way we unschoolers are doing things is beyond their comprehension. Children who are free and independent, are scary for some because they can’t control them. Control is very powerful for some adults, because maybe they were so controlled as children they don’t know any different. I still get a very blank look when I describe what I’m doing with my children, ha!
Such a limiting view and they’re missing so much! It’s sad.
You seem like a wonderful parent and clearly want the best for your children. You’ve provided your children with an incredible learning environment – rich learning experiences and resources. You also seem to be a very intelligent person. Your children are very lucky to have you and to learn from you and with you.
That said, I would argue that few people are as well-equipped to home-school their children. I have met plenty of homeschooling parents who think that it’s so simple, that teaching is so easy anyone could do it. That’s not true. They don’t have the resources, they don’t have the intelligence, and I think many children suffer as a result. It’s wonderful that you’re so passionate about spreading the word about how great your children have it, but I feel sad for those children who are both raised AND schooled by idiots.
Actually, that’s not true.
Teaching is that simple because no one knows or is more motivated to want the best for a child than their parents. You don’t need to be super intelligent or anything. In fact research shows that homeschooled kids preform better in all areas than their schooled peers, and that it is not dependent on education level of the parents or income.
“In practice, educators who worry about “unqualified” people teaching their own children almost always define “qualified” to mean teachers trained in schools of education and holding teaching certificates. They assume that to teach children involves a host of mysterious skills that can be learned only in schools of education and that are in fact taught there; that people who have this training teach much better than those who do not; and indeed that people who have not had this training are not competent to teach at all. None of these assumptions are true.
Human beings have been sharing information and skills, and passing along to their children whatever they knew, for about a million years now. Along the way they have built some very complicated and highly skilled societies. During all those years there were very few teachers in the sense of people whose only work was teaching others what they knew. And until very recently there were no people at all who were trained in teaching, as such.
People always understood, sensibly enough, that before you could teach something you had to know it yourself. But only very recently did human beings get the extraordinary notion that in order to be able to teach what you knew you had to spend years being taught how to teach.
To the extent that teaching involves and requires some real skills, these have long been well understood. They are no mystery. Teaching skills are among the many commonsense things about dealing with other people that, unless we are mistaught, we learn just by living. In any community people have always known that if you wanted to find out how to get somewhere or do something, some people were much better to ask than others.” -John Holt
I don’t believe that teachers with certificates or degrees are necessarily better equipped to teach children than their own parents. But they often are. Of course all parents (or we hope all) have their child’s best interest in mind, but they are still limited to their own beliefs and are often oblivious to the societal constructions that shape these beliefs.
Certified teachers are professionally limited by certain ethical standards in the beliefs and ideals that they pass on to their students. Children who are homeschooled are limited to the sometimes bigoted or problematic beliefs or perspectives of their parents.
Regardless of the academic success of children in either case, the ideological and ethical development of the homeschooled child can be affected by parents who are either actively or subconsciously racist, sexist, ageist, homophobic…. All beliefs passed on ‘for about a million years now.’
That is true for homeschooled or schooled children with racist/sexist/homophobic etc parents. Not a homeschooling problem.
Of course it is. But school can offer another perspective. And a very influential one.
It is not a problem with homeschooling. What is problematic is to imply that anyone can or should do it.
Anyone CAN unschool. It takes no special talent. Kids are capable learners and don’t need to be taught.
My issue is not with unschooling, it is with the idea that everyone can and should, regardless of their character.
If Tammy wants to police character, then she might need to go as far as policing who can even have children. I love the assumption that the public school system run by big government has our children’s best interests at heart and carries the moral high ground over a parent who truly loves their child enough to homeschool them. Seriously? I learned hate, racism, bullying and narrow-mindedness at school. I was not taught to think freely, but to find the answers they wanted me to find and that certain ideas and theories were facts, when clearly they are not. I learned to only read books to pass a test question and it took me years after graduating college to love learning for the mere joy of it. I was not taught to question, but to follow. Now I question everything from politics, to religious beliefs, to medical practices and more! Becoming a homeschool parent was like lighting a fire on a dark and starless night. It has completely transformed me and done wonders for my family. Having lived through it, I will never be a proponent of public school again!
If group schooling helped racism, homophobia, ageism, etc…we would have NONE of those social issues being as the vast vast majority of kids are in public schooling or some other form of organized group schooling…
Clearly that has little impact on healing social issues and it certainly isn’t a cure for bad parenting.
At school, I saw significant fighting, to the point of blood…I was offered to purchase drugs & alcohol. I was told I was uptight any time I objected to littering, hurtful gossip, partying, sex, you name it. It was in no way “good” for me socially…and I doubt it is much different for many kids. I was raised by good solid people who were actively involved in instilling inner strength & values into me to treat all people well, do no harm, respect my own body & that of others. NONE of that was taught to me at school. That was clearly evident when I compared my own siblings to the behaviors of the average kids we were around.
And at the end of the day I would never feel comfortable telling another person who they should school their kids, ever. I wouldn’t tell someone they should homeschool. If a parent is speaking of a particular problem or set of issues, I may suggest they should look into this or that option to see if it suits them, but it’s their family, they get to choose.
If you are loving your kids, feeding them, protecting them from harm, not abusing them, etc, then the rest is none of my business & I have no place telling you what morals or ethics you have to instill, even if I object to your way of thinking. I have even run into this in homeschool groups where I am clearly far to accepting in my belief system to suit the rest of the group & they don’t appreciate my way of thinking…and that is okay. Sometimes we still choose to attend & I will just talk with my kids after. In our family we try to accept all people just as they are – as long as they don’t intend us direct harm. That doesn’t mean we accept your ideas or beliefs though. For me as a parent, I choose to do this because I think it is good for my kids to get to see how different some people are from us….not all people welcome all people into their lives. THAT is a reality my kids have to learn about. I also think that perhaps with seeing that my kids are loving, kind, decent people that are full of goodness, they will see that they *too* could stand to be a little more welcoming & it won’t harm their kids. They may also learn to be a little more open in their thinking if the hear something from me that is said with kindness & patience instead of calling them a bunch of homophobes & storming out. But you see, that is *my* call to make. And yet I have had liberal friends act like I shouldn’t be involved in those groups. Those groups think I should be involved in groups that welcome the LGBTQIA community, and this other group thinks I should do this or that…and in the end…I believe fundamentally, that we all get to decide what we think is the right path…and I am grateful that no one else gets to tell me what I *have* to teach my kids. And since I appreciate that freedom, I will be the last person to tell you what you *have* to teach yours.
I feel saddened by your reply and feel you miss the point about unschooling children. We do not ‘teach’ our children, we support their own natural learning that their brain does instinctively. Vast resources are not necessary for this type of learning and many are available within the homeschooling community either free or at a low cost anyway!
There are many different types of intelligence so you labeling people ‘idiots’ I find close minded, judgemental and aggressive.
Obviously there are parents out there that are neglectful/abusive and use the term homeschooling or unschooling just so they don’t have to make an effort for their children but thankfully these people are few and far between and unfortunately exist within the schooling community too.
The vast majority of us are unschooling our children with love, and are facilitating them to become themselves. No-one else, just 100% them and that is a gift that I feel privileged to be able to give to my children.
I’m sorry that I was unclear in my reply. By ‘resources’ I didn’t mean physical school supplies, I meant intellectal ability. And by ‘idiots,’ I didn’t not mean people without a degree or even people who lack knowledge. I meant people who hold sexist, racist, homophobic or otherwise oppressive beliefs. I do feel quite strongly that these people are ‘idiots.’
I think that homeschooling – particularly unschooling – has a lot to offer when done by good people. But I don’t think everyone can or should do it. That’s all.
I was also shocked by this article that declared these things amazing! The article actually makes public school sound restrictive and monotonous. Thanks for sharing!
Great. When you need emergency surgery are you going to go to a doctor who studied with traditional schooling or one who was “unschooled”? Ridiculous. And all of this learning you pointed to can and does occur outside of school so schooled kids are not missing out. When your “unschooled” kids become adults and hold jobs, are they just going to do the duties they feel like tending to at the moment and let everything else fall to the side? Will it be “too restrictive” when their employer asks that they arrive at a certain time? I’m sorry but this sounds like lazy parenting. Children need structure.
Do they give out medical degrees in school now? Seems like that should have been included on the ‘amazing’ list.
Sir Ken Robinson explains freedom-to-learn and the need for Divergent Thinkers well here with memorabke cartoon drawing backdrops:
Divergent thinkers are needed for the Information Era = Free to Learn environments are needed, as much as possible, so learners can delve as deep and as wide as one wants, at any given time, from any available resource into learning anything, ie UnSchooling, or RLSCL Real Life Social Community Learning (the term we use to describe our learning family pedagogy).
Readers here may also be interested in:
Started by an Unschooler in San Francisco, Dale Stevens.
UnCollege and Our Founder
The story of UnCollege and its Gap Year Program begins with its founder Dale J. Stephens. Dale was unschooled – an education movement that promotes self-directed learning – from sixth through the twelfth grade and enrolled at Hendrix College in Conway, Arkansas following “high school.” At Hendrix, Stephens came to the conclusion that he needed time to decide what he wanted to pursue professionally and that his college experience was not adequately teaching him the 21st century skills he knew he would need to succeed in the professional world. Dale responded in January of 2011 by creating a hub for a powerful international experiential learning community – UnCollege.org.
UnCollege Gap Year
In an effort to help young adults in an even more hands on manner, Dale and the UnCollege staff launched its first Gap Year Program in the Fall of 2013. Since then, young adults from 15 different countries have participated in the program. Upon graduating the program, UnCollege Fellows have gone on to start their own companies, receive university scholarships, join startups, and help non-profits around the globe. Find out more here.
This reply screams of being from someone who is very limited in their grasp on this approach to schooling. FWIW there are plenty of things you can skip schooling on…as long as you pass the test & prove your level of knowledge. Would you prefer a Dr that passed the test or one that nearly aced it? Step one of the boards has a possible 300…passing is 192. I do in fact care less where you went to school than what your passing scores are. I do. Most people don’t even know to look for a score. I guess they assume that as long as the Dr passed it’s good. I think passing when you miss more than 1/3 of the answers is troublesome..as a patient. You can for sure be a lawyer without every going to school & again, I’d rather have a lawyer with an amazing bar score than one who went to Yale.
My unschooled son (10) is currently researching the history of medicine, so I found your response interesting. He is interested in becoming a Dr one day. So right now he is delving into everything from herbal medicine & it’s history to “barber-surgeons” to the belief in demon possession or the 4 humors and everything in between. He is trying to grasp what humans have believed in the past through to present about how to heal & strengthen the human body. When the time comes to choose a career path he will enroll in college & his odds of acceptance will be awesome. Homeschooled kids as a category get into Ivy League at a higher percentage than those even in private schooling. They still are a small % of those that apply, but of the group that applies, they have the highest acceptance rate of a given group. AND when they do go to college, they graduate versus drop out at a much higher rate than peers. http://www.businessinsider.com/homeschooling-is-the-new-path-to-harvard-2015-9
No, kids in a classroom couldn’t do this because they get out at 330…often then they are home by 4pm if they are lucky & someone can be there, or they are in an aftercare program if not, then they have homework they are assigned. On average it’s an hour minimum, then you have dinner, any chores, bathing, etc and that is if they do no sports, dance, music lessons – how much free time do children in mainstream actually have per day to pursue learning that interests them? They also do need time to just run & jump & ride bikes & play or daydream & draw & create.
A lot of people assume you have to train a child to be able to do what an adult can do, like sit still, follow group instruction, be punctual. That is absurd. It is. A child’s brain can be forced to conduct itself in certain ways at earlier ages by training, but we all come to a point where we are capable of doing those things anyway.
When we do larger group activities I have never seen any child struggle to listen to instruction, come over & sit with a group when asked, etc. It seems to me you have a narrow view of what children are capable of on the whole & if you were truly interested in unschooling at any point, you could look for a local group & ask to observe a meet up. I think it would quite stun you that they aren’t at all a wild bunch pulling one another’s hair & screaming at the parents. Quite the opposite.
If you don’t want to homeschool then don’t. No reason to start hating on those that do & throwing out ignorant assumptions simply because you have a keyboard & an opinion based on lack of facts.
I appreciate this article. My daughter is in traditional Kindergarten at this time and I pretty much hate it. Class has almost 30 students in it and all the teachers and aids are obviously stressed and always barking orders or yelling. They won’t help kids get there winter gear on and if they break down and help, its with and eye roll and an attitude. They move strictly from activity to activity rushing to complete things. Kids who arnt traditional learners or have obvious defecits are yelled at instead of helped. I have been concidering homeschooling since week 1. I know my daughter is capable of learning at home because she learned the alphabet, numbers to 100, shapes, colors and writing all from us being together at home before she entered school. I will say she seems to thrive in school and love it. I really dn t think she knows she’s being stressed. There taught that this is normal. But there are days I see its toll on her. My youngest will not thrive in school. She is not a traditional learner and she marches to her own beat. She will be in trouble a lot and that’s not fair because she’s a wonderful kid. Sorry for such a long comment, guess I’m trying to sort things out in my mind and it spilled onto the screen. I get that it may present some challenges, as the world is pushing out cookie cutter stringent kids but i believe there is a place for kids with their own mind.
I am in the exact same situation but with 2 sons. I’d love to hear how your train of thought has developed and if you’ve decided to go with Unschooling, or continue in traditional school?
Love, love, love:)
Questions: what is the role discipline or structure play for unschooled children? Are they free to go to sleep and wake up whenever they want from a young age, to watch everything on television, eat whenever they want, stuff like this I am curious about. Also, as a parent is it a full time job unschooling your kids? Thank you!
Unschooling is quite involved as you will want to be available to the child(ren) if they want your participation or help with whatever peeks their interest or they may want to involve themselves in whatever you are doing. So, yes, it’s pretty much full time.
Discipline isn’t really necessary since there are no restrictions or rules/structure to learning/playing. If one expands unschooling into all aspects of life, sometimes called radical unschooling, children have the freedom to choose how to spend their whole days and are not restricted from television or “screen time”. They eat when they are hungry and sleep when they are tired. Usually as a family there becomes a natural rythm that occurs because of routines and examples of the parents but sometimes not. It’s about mutual respect and appreciation of everyone for who they are, no matter the age or interest. Think of it as everyone is thought of and
treated as an adult with a lot of grace and mercy for each other.
If you were raised in traditional school you may want to research deschooling, strewing, and radical unschooling.
Our children’s natural sleep cycles follow the circadian rhythm. It’s fascinating, that human bodies synch with the planet, when free.
The human body also grazes on foods accurately to meet their individual fluctuating bodies needs, about 6-9 x/day.
Unschoolers also tend to interact and engage quite heavily in the community because they free flow throughout the home, then the immediate neigh ohi of, then the extended neighbourhood and they find learning opportunities all throughout their days while socializing.
oops typo above, meant to write neighbors
I think like most things there isn’t anything everyone does.
In my house we make rules by committee & the children are very reasonable from early ages. A 3 year will easily willingly agree that there should be no hitting, that we ask before we use other people’s things, that we shouldn’t yell at one another. So most of the rules in my home come from their mouths. I may say something like “What about hitting? Should we have a rule about that?” but they will say “Oh yes…NO HITTING EVER” and be very happy that something they came up with made it on the list.
We don’t have just anything on the TV so no they can’t just watch anything as that isn’t possible. We download all items onto a computer that is attached to the TV. So there are no commercials and I have seen everything that is on there first. Of that selection, yes they can view any of it. I am very liberal on what they can see in documentaries, because I want them to see what life is like all over. There are lots of fun choices too…but just like I choose the books that sit on our shelf at home, I choose what programming is accessible on our TV. We do have internet & they have some access there to make some choices, but I have parental block in place to make sure it is age appropriate.
Mostly they can eat whatever they want, but they don’t make the grocery list, so this is no problem. If we go to a party or wherever they can eat whatever there…I also eat whatever I want then. 😉
The times we wake & sleep have varied. We work the routine to what best serves the family. When my spouse was working late we woke late to maximize family time. When my baby was waking at 4am every day I adjusted the other kid’s wake time slowly to meet up better with hers, since hers wouldn’t shift, to again make sure that I could get adequate sleep in a day. The kids never mind. We work as a cooperative to maximize everyone’s needs being met, even mom.
My kids do not get punished or rewarded. We work on mentoring, teaching by example, talking through things & believing that humans are inherently wanting harmony & love. If my child hurts another we talk about that. I ask what they could have done instead of that. I ask them how they feel when someone hurts them. I ask them what they think about the person that hurt them. I ask if they want to be seen that way. We talk about what, if anything, should be done to make amends. We talk about the importance of respecting all people & their bodies & what a violation it is to try to hurt someone or force them to do something. They know this is true because they live it. I won’t hit them if they do something I don’t like. I won’t force them to do something they don’t want to do…instead I try to garner cooperation through mutual respect. And guess what? My kids do chores…even though no one makes them. I say things like, well, does it seem right if *I* do all the work? How would you feel if no one made food? How would you feel if you had no clean clothes or nothing in the cupboards to eat because no one shopped? What if dad stayed home from work all the time because he felt like it & there was no money to keep the power on? Kids have logic. We don’t have to threaten them into doing good deeds or reward them for doing them – the reward is the clean clothing, the food in cupboards, the sense of pride that even at 6, you are a meaningful, productive member of this family that we rely on.
In order to parent that way & in order to school that way you have to take a huge divergent leap of faith from the norm. The norm seems to be that we think you have to be forced to be good decent productive person. The norm doesn’t believe we are BORN wanting harmony & that if we are treated with kindness, patience & respect, we will do it all on our own without any need for coercion or bribery. The norm says you are born selfish & demanding & unless someone sets you straight you will be wicked & greedy. I do not believe that one bit. I believe that when your needs are met, you learn not to take more than you need. I have boundaries. If my kids wants a piggy back ride & I don’t want to I don’t. I don’t say yes to all things. I say yes to anything reasonable & when I can’t say yes, I make another suggestion. “Can we go to the park?” might get a “We can go tomorrow, but why don’t you run over to Sara’s house & see if she wants to ride bikes”.
It’s not as easy leap, when your oldest is 2 & everyone is giving you stink eye & telling you it will never work and your 2 year is acting every bit of 2. Now a decade in, I can say I have zero regrets. It’s a LOT of work early on, but once you see them start to flourish, it’s amazing.
I recall by the time my 1st was about 4yrs old thinking this was actually working when I overhead an older child try to get my son to say something mean to another kid because “it would be funny”. He said back, “I won’t do that. You shouldn’t do that” and the older child persisted saying that *I* (mom) won’t even know & he said back “I don’t want to be mean and if you want to be mean I don’t want to play with you”. My children aren’t being raised to be good or else. They aren’t being raised to be good in front of grown ups. They are being raised to THINK about what they do & decide what kind of person they are going to be, regardless of who is watching. THAT is the difference. When my child goes down a huge slide that scares them, I don’t say “Good job!” I say “Wow, I could see you were scared. Don’t you feel proud you did it anyway?” Because when I can’t be there all they have is how *they* feel about things. They should be proud of themselves for accomplishments, even if no one sees it. They should want to be kind, even if no one will know it. They should try their best, even when no one will give them a gold star. THAT is the major difference. I am not trying to have them think I need to be around in order for this to be the way it is. I need them to learn they are fundamentally wonderful, kind, patient, loving, learning beings that have this all in them from their first breath on this earth until their last.
We started off schooling more traditionally. It was not great for anyone & I soon realized the major issue was it was such a change from how I parented overall. When we went with unschooling, instantly stress was gone, my children’s capabilities flourished & it stared making so much more sense. My children have taught themselves to read. My 1st, with traditional approaches, took ages & made no progress. Ten months into unschooling he was reading above level on his own. My 2nd self taught before 4yrs old & by then I was already into unschooling.
I am sorry it’s so long, but you do seem genuine in the question & it’s a big question.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, so much for sharing!
Thank you for this article. I was just explaining some of these ideas to my neighbor, when she asked how our homeschooling is going. I see how my son follows his own interests with self-motivation , creativity , attention, and joy. He paints, watches science videos then does his own experiments, takes care of animals, makes his own delicious smoothies, does some Geometry, makes origami creatures, helps neighbors with their dogs or grandkids, reads a graphic novel….he is happy, smart, friendly. I’m thankful for the opportunity to witness his learning process and I look forward to seeing what he decides to do when he gets older. He’s 11 now and is much more emotionally and mentally healthy now than when he had to sit still at a desk all day in public school., then he couldn’t eat or sleep due to stress in 2nd grade. Homeschool has been such a blessing.
I read this, and my first reaction was: wow! Anyone who believes this is true, doesn’t have a BRAIN. All kids NEED school, and this is coming FROM a High Schooler! I’m sorry, but this is maximum BS. Not ALL kids can learn like that, you know!
Yes, they do a good job of making you believe that and eventually killing your belief in your own abilities.
Hannah, Hannah, Hannah…..methinks thou doth protest too much.
Schools, prisons, and mental hospitals are the only three places where, if you don’t show up, someone comes to get you. (David Thornburg)
It’s okay to be in high school & think you know a lot about life. I did too. Most of us did. It will only hurt you if you don’t learn to investigate the research & evidence that supports (or doesn’t support) those ideas later on. Anything you think you know always has another side to it…anything. That is no exaggeration.
Give yourself time. You have plenty of that left. You will see that a lot of what you thought was true about life at this age, just isn’t. It’s going to take time & maturity to grasp the larger picture and that is just how the human brain is. The brain itself doesn’t complete maturing until closer to 25yrs old.
You likely only know about schooling from what you personally have done & that is okay. There is a lot of data out there, *if* you are ever interested, on all different types from all different cultures as well as the history of how schooling in the Western culture has evolved over time. When the time comes for you to make decisions on your own family & how you will school your kids, you will by then have had the time to investigate those options. For now don’t even worry about it. It’s best not to comment on things you haven’t researched as you seldom hold opinions of any basis. You yourself say “your first reaction” so truly – it’s just a knee jerk opinion based on assumption & ANY time you voice a knee jerk reaction, you will learn to regret having done so.
I wish you well & hope you have a good journey through the rest of high school.
I love this article , it encapsulates everything I want to say as a reply to ” why have you chosen to home educate ?”
Its tempting to print it out and pass it out as my answer .
It almost made me cry as I was reading it to my husband, it’s so beautiful and a relief to read , what you have been thinking .
Sometimes as home ed parents we can feel a little misunderstood, which is frustrating.
Even though we know we dont need to justify our choices as we stand by our decision and are super confident with our life style , it’s great to have our thoughts reiterated.
I am a public school teacher! Now I am fortunate enough to be in one of the best school districts in the nation with supportive families, innovative resources, and freedom within my classroom to follow the interests, needs and desires of my students. I respect the choices you have made for your family! But I also feel that I need to stand up for the educational system. I cannot speak for all schools, but I can speak for myself and the experience I am able to provide in my classroom.
I spend time with every student in my class everyday just chatting! It only takes seconds to know that S just finished reading a Magic Tree House book about Louis Armstrong and she wants to know what “scat” means and how to do it, or that H can make origami anything – she has an eye for it and is so neat and visual she creates her own patterns. Yes, this can be done by any parent! I have my own children as well, and I take pride to listen and allow them to lead. The difference I find, and the gift of an “institutionalized school setting” is the conversation of 20 curious, similarly aged children in one room. When a child hears a peer share with excitement about a book they are reading, others light up with eagerness to hear and read it as well. The conversation, motivation, and influence children have on each other is more powerful than that of any parent or teacher! I love the idea of unschooling, I just hope parents choosing this for their family have other groups of children to provide positive peer interactions that will inspire them to dream!
I wish so badly that all teachers took the care that you do! That’s a huge factor for me. All the teachers and aids are always irritated and raising their voices with the ‘obey or else’ tone. They have a behavior chart that is abused. (Clipping up for giving right answers instead of inforcing upbuilding behavior) that teaches kids w less intelligence that they are not good enough….makes me sad. And this is coming from the mom of a very smart girl doing very well in school. Seems fun is gone. Personabity is gone….at least here anyways. Keep inspiring our youth Vicky! Your a rare bread.
I think you sound like a great teacher. I truly do. I think we need every teacher this engaged & enthusiastic.
I also think I just have a totally different take on the importance of peers. I just don’t think it is in fact important to be around a large group of kids the same age as you are. I think being around people is important…the specific ages are far less a matter to me & I am happier to see my kids in a mixed age group than divided by specific age.
My best friend growing up was a bed ridden old lady that lived in my neighborhood. What I gained from her well exceeds anything I could have ever gotten out of another clueless 6yr old. I mean no disrespect at all to 6yr olds (I was a clueless one myself), but it is what it is.
Once a child leaves schooling, they are never again going to be in a situation to be surrounded by people of all the same age. Life isn’t about that. I understand it in school settings as it often eases what to teach children as there is an assumption that most 6yr olds can do a specific set of things. It makes sense there. Other than to ease what to teach, I see no social value in it at all based on research. In fact, what I found is what a detriment it is on personal development. Everyone is familiar with the idea of children “picking up” bad behaviors from other kids, coming home & saying something ghastly some kid at school repeated from an older sibling, etc.
I just do not think it’s actually in the best interest of a child’s best development to be in a large group of peers most of the day with minimal adult ratio. Children are supposed to bond with & try to emulate the adults, who actually know what is going on & instead they often emulate & seek one another’s approval *more* than the approval of adults. You are “cooler” if you are edgier with peers. Even though I was a good kid, I recall a certain respect being given to those kids that skirted acceptable behavior or even broke it entirely. This is a result of large grouping. It is. It’s been studied..it doesn’t happen that way when kids are bonded to the adults & seeking the adult approval. Some kids will stick with seeking adult approval, even in group setting, most won’t.
And so it doesn’t look like I am making it up I can give you a link to one lecture on it, but there is a lot of data out there beyond that of course. This one is just very interesting & easy to understand. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UlMkWJY5T_w
You have described my kids perfectly.
They go to school.
My daughter is four and is in a two-day a week preschool program. There are some really great things about the program, but I can tell I am going to have an issue with five-day a week from 8 am to 3 pm very structured kindergarten. I know that I would do a great job of unschooling at home; however, the social aspect holds me back. I only have two children (ages four and one) so there are not many built in playmates. I live in a large city where no one homeschools. How do you work on social skills and friendships? Eventually our children will go out into the world and they need to be able to navigate the social aspects of it. Plus, I also want her to experience the joys of friends.
Michaelene, I doubt that “no one homeschools” in your city, but they might be hard to find. That said, do you have young neighbors with whom you can arrange play dates? You don’t have to overdo it, and I wouldn’t worry too much about the socialization thing. My kids never went to school until college, and they are now in their 20s and 30s, all married (some with kids), all working and with active social lives. I never should have worried about socialization.
Hi, I know that you posted this a while ago, but I need to say two things.
1. I unschool an only child. He plays with 2-3 neighbor kids every day amd has 2 or so playdates a week with various friends, some im public school, some homeschooled. He also interacts with children everywhere we go: library, park, etc. People routinely ask me what “program” he is in that made him so polite, friendly, and conversant.
2. If you live in a city I guarantee there are way more homeschoolers than you realize. I live in a city of 200,000 and my local DB group has 360 families on it… yet me and my fellow homeschoolers are constantly hearing about other groups we never knew existed. You need to actively look. I promise they are there. 🙂
I find the concept of unschooling fascinating. And it does certainly sound like your children are thriving and learning a lot. I have to disagree though about the point that anyone and everyone can unschool their children effectively in order to prepare them for life (and the workforce, because let’s face it, the concept of working isn’t going to
For certain, I can see that it requires no specialist knowledge in any area. I can see clearly how guiding your children to learn how to learn is the most important factor, and I love the idea of approaching learning in a way that always remains child-led and fun and motivating. But what it does require is a committed adult who can model responsible practices, provide a wide range of learning opportunities, guide towards resources when a child wants to learn more, and help when a child needs help. There are many children who do not have such a parent. I work with a wide range of families, in their homes, and many of the children I see would not be able to have a fulfilling home education or ‘un-education’ (if that can be a word!). Regardless of the arguments around things like attitudes or beliefs, an average child (let alone a child with additional learning needs) will not teach themselves to read in a house with precious little reading material and parents who can’t read, or learn how to learn in a house without access to resources or parents able to point them in the right direction.
There is a place for school then, in my mind, to help teach children who for whatever reason (be it parental ability, finances etc) can’t learn at home. That said, schools could probably do with some radical reform and are likely often failing the children who need it the most, but that’s a whole different conversation! Perhaps for some the path is to unschool, and for others to continue to drive change from within the system.
Ah, I accidentally hit post before I had finished and there’s no option to edit or delete! Edit to complete this sentence: (and the workforce, because let’s face it, the concept of most people working for money to live isn’t going to change anytime soon, much as we wish it might!)
What if I feel that oi won’t be “able/smart” enough to teach my children what they need to know?
I always wanted to homeschool but my kiddies all seem to like school. I must say their days do not really resemble the article, a very old fashioned view of schools, but maybe that’s because we’re in Australia? I didn’t think we were that progressive here, but my kids still have plenty of time to do all the wonderful things that are described for homeschoolers – parents who care about their education can still supplement school education in the same ways. I consider myself widely read and knowledgable about what’s going on around the world, but even I admit, you don’t know what you don’t know. My kids learn (and teach me) about new things that I would never have exposed them to, and they have opportunities in the public school system that I would never have been able to afford. e.g. three month leadership program to China, which my DD declined due to her involvement in an exceptional music program. Class sizes have rarely been more than about 20 kids, schools employ restorative practices to deal with conflict and bullying, homework isn’t really significant until the final years, and by then, the range of subjects is so varied, one of my DDs is actually doing an extra year to study extra subjects and do everything she likes. Sure there are some dud teachers (and no doubt some dud schools), but overall they have had passionate educators and decent schools, all of which would rate medium to low on the socio-economic scale.
Great article, and you make many wonderful points. However, as the mother of two dyslexic kids, I want to point out that if your child has a learning disability such as dyslexia, you are going to have to teach them, step by painstaking step, how to read. It will require hours and hours of work on both your parts, incredible amounts of patience, and special curricula, because their brains are literally wired differently and they will not just be interested in reading and pick it up on their own. They may also find other things (like writing and math) difficult in the extreme, and you may need to work step by step with them through all of these things. Sometimes, unschooling isn’t an option, not because you don’t want to do it, but because if you don’t give them specialized instruction, they literally will not have the ability to move on in directions that interest and excite them. That being said, I give my children as much freedom as I can and I work very hard to find curricula that answer their needs and are as much fun as possible at the same time.
I absolutely love this article and I’m so glad to have found it! I’ve been on the fence for some time about sending my littles to school or not (age 3 &almost5). This article affirms so much of what I’ve had the pleasure to see in them, that I missed out on with my 12 yr old who is and has been in school since she was 3. She is so conformed and committed to her so school, yet she has lost the love of learning, hates homework and seems to enjoy disliking school. She’s not too open to changing course on her education. Any ideas or thoughts on resources or ways to open her mind to the possibilities?
Thanks so much!
That attached article is laughable. First of all, “you leave her behind.” Sure, every good parent walks away from their child without a second thought. It’s just plain stupid for a person to care about their kid. Second, “she is confident she’ll be cared for for the next six hours.” Yeah, that screaming girl at the front gates, clinging to her mother is expressing how confident and happy she is at school. Third, “she takes her chair off her desk to sit on it.” Wow. I knew children were smart, but using your basic command of your hands and arms to move an object is phenomenal. Of course, this is something that can only learn at school. Without school, how would you learn to pick up and move stuff? Fourth, “she follows schedules.” And what happens if she doesn’t? No lunch? Naughty corner? Fifth, it pretty much sounds like that hypothetical girl is being treated like a factory produced little adult. And that’s just my judgement on the first paragraph or two. I love this blog so much. Thank you for respecting children. And a final note on the article, the hypothetical girl doesn’t sound motivated in the least. There’s a difference between motivation and obedience. Hint: one is beautiful and a great asset, the other is forced.