You Can’t Force Independence
I imagined this day.
My 7-year-old sleeps all night. My 5-year-old does too. Miraculously they learnt to do it all on their own despite napping exclusively in my arms as babies. Despite being told I was creating a problem for them and they needed to be independent.
I’m glad I ignored that advice and carried on with what felt right.
I’ve written before about how we encourage independence in our home. I believe children want to do things for themselves, and like to do meaningful work. They like to help out, feel important, and know that they are a valuable part of the family. But, there is a big difference between providing opportunities for a child to develop their independence, and forcing a child to be more independent than they are ready for.
Being independent is something society values highly and it seems to me that this has meant that we are pushing our children to be more and more independent at earlier ages, to their detriment. Independence also appears to mean not being too attached to your parents. As soon as our babies come into the world we’re told they need to learn to ‘self-settle’. This little person that’s spent the last 9 months growing inside you better step up and get used to doing things for themselves!
When our babies become ‘clingy’ we’re told we have to fix it. Like being attached to your caregiver is somehow a problem that needs to be tackled head on.
We’re told we need to train our toddlers. We need to toilet train them, get them to sleep independently, let them get used to being away from us, use numerous punitive techniques to get them to act how we want.
When they become school aged it’s definitely not OK for them to still need you! They have to adjust! If they cry when you drop them off at school you just leave as quickly as possible and let them get used to it.
But, independence is not something that can be forced. You can try, but you’re not creating true independence, and you may be doing some damage along the way. The baby who is left to cry in his cot eventually goes to sleep. But has he become an independent sleeper? Or has he learned that his cries are just not important and no one will come when he needs them?
All this ‘training’ may appear to work, but is it really? I don’t think so. Our children just learn to eventually hide their feelings, or they find other ways of coping which may not be ideal. It is our job to teach and guide our children on how to deal with their big emotions, not leave them to it until they work it out themselves. That is not a recipe for learning good emotional regulation. When we try to force children to be more independent than they are ready for what message does that send? Maybe, ‘I don’t accept you the way you are’, ‘I want you to please me’, ‘I want to change you’, ‘your feelings don’t matter’?
“We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today.” -Stacia Tauscher
Independence comes naturally, when a child is ready. They are not going to want to sleep with you forever, they won’t be in nappies at age 12, and one day all too soon they will be happy to spend time away from you. Childhood is a gradual move away from being totally dependent on our parents, to being completely independent. Trying to force or manipulate this process only causes problems. Let it come naturally. Pushing someone away only makes them hold on tighter.
Independence is a great characteristic to have. It feels good to be able to do things for yourself. And, as a parent you feel pride watching just how capable your children are. But, wait for true independence. Encourage them to do as much for themselves as they want to. Support them whenever they try new things. Create an environment that allows them to practice being independent. Just don’t force it upon them before they’re ready.
When they need your help, go to them. Comfort them when they need it. Do the things they need you to do for them, for as long as they need you to. Listen to them and acknowledge their feelings. Show them that how they feel is important. Knowing that we are always there to fall back on gives them the confidence to be more independent in the future.
Encourage and support independence, but don’t force. Never force.
One day those little people will sleep all night, by themselves. And then we will miss them.
I’ve yet to read a post of yours that I didn’t like or agree with. It is so good to know there ARE people out there who are so utterly respectful of their children. I appreciate you posting even with a new baby to take care of!
School has just started back over here and it really saddens me to hear all the usual comments about settling in, getting used to it, etc. And when I hear both parent and child were in tears over the separation…well surely that suggests neither of them are ready! I’m thankful we figured this out relatively early with my oldest daughter and not when (more) damage had been done.
Oh that’s hard for me to hear too! I wish people weren’t encouraged to ignore those instincts.
Thank you for your kind words 🙂
Loved reading this. So true, I agree completely. And the quote about them being someone today, a must share 🙂
Thank you Leigh!
I needed to read this today, as a parent of a very clingy, often unsocial little person who sits on my lap during park dates and stays there throughout home visits. I love her dearly and don’t mind her overhearing the adult conversation while I smell her hair, though she certainly puts my legs to sleep! We are members of a neighborhood social group and it’s really been great for me. I started the group to meet like-minded people and, while we’ve all made friends, there don’t seem to be many people like me around. It’s often hard to watch interactions with other parents and children though, or to hear about forced potty training attempts, sleep training. My 3yo is still diapered and uninterested. She still nurses to sleep at night. Both my 5- and 3yo sleep with us. We’re satisfied with the arrangement, but it’s frustrating not to have friends in similar circumstances. I don’t feel the same rush to do away with toddlerhood, despite its frustrations, and wish more people felt the same. Cheers!
Oh yes, I’m in no rush either!!
Thank you for reading 🙂
Yes, I agree with this. I pulled my son out of prep a month ago because a wee girl (who everyone watches sideways) hit him on the head with a brick. It co-incided with my almost 2yr old getting hold of my phone that morning and locking all incoming calls (even I didn’t know how to do that) and that very afternoon finding time to research home-schooling. I got to school with a strange feeling to find everyone saying, ‘He’s okay! No drama!’
I still have no idea what to do with the idea of school except forget all about it till he wants to go back.
We keep a close eye on the big pharma/medical mafia, edumacayshun/scientismical/media and political systems. It seems that family values, health and kindness is now weird and cult-like. The folks (the same group) behind it all are a very peculiar breed indeed. Can’t say I value their contribution in the slightest.
It’s so funny how everyone focuses so much on independence with babies and children. It is important in the long run, but as you say, it needs to be done at the right pace, otherwise the opposite will happen in terms of their attachment etc
Can you write an article on your toilet training experiences? How can we encourage an interest in hygiene and still show respect for them?
How old is your child? I’ve never trained my daughter ,. I bought my daughter a potty, when she was showing interest in what happens in the toilet. I bought it and said what is for. I even wee for a couple of times, jehehe. I begun to leave her with no nappy at home and she would just sit down in her potty , do nothing , and use paper. Well, I cleaned lots of wee on the floor :), and one day she did a wee in the potty, she even now uses the toilet. I never forced her or tell her to sit down, it came as a natural thing. Still using nappies for out and sleeping, but never day time at home.
I hope this is useful :). Wish you luck
Im so glad to read your article. My girls are teenagers now but my two younger girls were very attached to me when they were little. I was chastised for having “spoiled” “babyish” girls. Now that they are older they want nothing to do with me lol. They detached themselves from me when they were ready.