Cheerleader, Not Coach: Why Your Kid Needs You to Step Back
Over the course of a weekend recently, I spent around 30 hours at a dance eisteddfod with my girls. At the end of this weekend I was exhausted and felt like I needed a week to recover. And I wasn’t the one doing any dancing, just parenting from the sidelines! I bet you know what I mean though, right?
If you’re a parent of older children, especially if you have more than one, it’s likely you also spend your weekends preparing for and driving your kids around to activities, supporting them, and all the other things that go along with that.
As I was doing all this last weekend, I was reflecting on my role and what I had learned over the years. Something one of my girls once said to me came to mind…
“No offence Mum, but I don’t need your advice”.
Umm…. kinda offensive, right? Well, maybe on first thought. But, what was really happening here was my daughter giving me a little reminder that I’d forgotten what my role was, and I needed to pipe down. Actually, they’ve taught me very well over the years what they need from me, and what they don’t, in these situations. They are not afraid to let me know; one of the hazards of respectful parenting!
The thing is, when we invest so much time into our children’s interests and activities, we may, consciously or unconsciously, start to believe we have more input than we are truly entitled to. Then, we end up getting confused about what our actual role here is.
That’s what I wanted to talk about today. What exactly is our job as supportive parents on the sideline? I think my children have taught me some great lessons and I’d love to share them.
But first, A Perspective Shift (Perhaps?)
The way you act as a parent in these situations is determined by your beliefs. I thought I’d start by explaining mine. Maybe you will agree, maybe you won’t, but I invite you to consider something different than the mainstream narrative. It’s honestly so worth it if your goal is self-motivated and inspired kids!
In our home, we aim to respect children as whole people, with rights just like we have as adults. We want to show them unconditional love and support, prioritize our connection with them, and respect their right to consent in all decisions that effect them. So, some thoughts:
Children should lead the way when it comes to deciding what they want to participate in.
Firstly, before children start any activity, it should actually be for them. It is our job to show them the options and provide opportunities to try lots of different things, but not to push them in directions they don’t want to go. They might like something you also enjoy, they might not. Please let them decide. There is absolutely no point in wasting time and money signing a child up to something that you have to force them to go to every week. Why do that? And no, it’s not teaching commitment if that’s what you’ve been told. More likely it’s teaching never to commit to anything because you’ll be locked in and not allowed to change your mind!
Feel free to suggest things you think they might like, but please let them actually decide.
Children deserve ownership over their interests.
It’s really important to me that my children feel their interests and achievements are their own. If I get too involved, I risk taking that away from them. Yes, I may pay for their classes, but that doesn’t mean I get anything in return. I do not expect a certain result or achievement, therefore they cannot disappoint me. The person I want them to focus on is themselves. Are they happy with how they are doing? What are their goals?
When parents are over invested in the outcome, when they are the ones pushing children, it becomes not about the child’s achievement anymore but about pleasing the parent. A big part of being a supportive parent is recognizing that we don’t need to control every aspect of our children’s activities. By giving them autonomy, we allow them to discover their own passions and motivations. Our role becomes more about providing a safe environment where they can thrive on their own terms.
Please think about your priorities and what is actually important. Who is this for?
Failure is ok.
Embrace the idea that it’s okay if your children fail or make mistakes. This is how they learn. When we step back and let our children experience setbacks, we show them that challenges are part of the journey, not something to be feared or avoided. They learn resilience and problem-solving skills. It’s really stressful to feel that you must perform at your absolute best every time and that mistakes will be criticised.
Avoiding the sunk cost fallacy.
Sometimes, after investing time, money, and energy into a child’s extracurricular activity, it can be difficult to let go—even when the child has lost interest. We might think, “We’ve spent so much already, they should stick with it.” But this mindset is an example of the sunk cost fallacy, where we make decisions based on past investments rather than current realities. The problem is, forcing a child to continue something they no longer enjoy because of past commitments will not reignite their passion, and will not mean the money is better spent. Surely it’s better to accept the money is gone and no amount of suffering through an activity until the end is going to make it more ‘worth it’.
If an activity no longer brings joy, it’s okay to let go. The time and resources spent aren’t wasted if they helped the child explore their interests or learn something new along the way. Moving on allows them to redirect their energy to something that excites and motivates them, rather than feeling stuck in something that no longer fits.
Also remember, it’s totally ok to quit! Mainstream thinking often tells us that letting a child quit an activity is bad parenting. But forcing a child to continue something they no longer enjoy doesn’t really make much sense. You can definitely chat with older children about their commitment to a team and when is the best time to quit, but allowing them to quit or switch activities when they are no longer keen will teach them to respect their own boundaries and choices. Life is about trying new things, and sometimes it’s okay to move on.
It’s Not About You.
Sometimes parents get very invested in their child’s performance and how that reflects on them. They feel proud when their child excels at something. That’s a totally normal feeling! It’s awesome to see our children doing well! But don’t let this feeling cause you to put undue pressure on your child to please you. Making your parents proud is a nice side effect but we really don’t want it to be our children’s main motivation.
By stepping back and not over-involving yourself in their activities, you model healthy boundaries and self-regulation. It’s a powerful message that their interests are theirs, not an extension of your own goals or ambitions.
Parenting From The Sidelines: How To Support Your Kids
So, now we’ve changed our perspective and realised that actually this is all about our children and not about us, how do we put this into action? What are the behaviours that show our children unconditional support, and what are the actions that create stress, pressure, and tension between us that we need to eliminate?
Things That ARE Your Job
- Making sure you have all the things your child needs (sports equipment, instruments, costumes, uniforms, etc).
- Keeping up to date on where they need to be and when (managing all the adult stuff for them and fitting it into your schedule).
- Getting them to practice/class on time (transport is our job and it’s up to us to do our part and be reliable).
- Making sure they have enough rest and nourishing food to do what they need to do.
- Encouraging them, cheering them on, listening to complaints, celebrating with them, supporting them unconditionally.
- Show up consistently for them (show up to games, performances, recitals, etc).
The list is simple, and it’s not long! Provide for their basic practical needs so they can concentrate on doing what they need to do, whether it’s dancing, sport, music, art, acting, or whatever they’re into. Most importantly, show up. Let them see your smiling face in the crowd. Let them see you just love to watch them do what they love, without conditions or expectations. Show them your joy comes from simply being there with them and supporting them, whether it’s a winning day or a losing day! This is literally it guys. Practical support, showing up, unconditional love. Job done!
Things That Are NOT Your Job
- Acting as the teacher/coach.
Unless you are literally in the position of being the coach of your child’s team, stay away from this role, it’s taken. This is not your job. You are paying someone else to do this, so let them do it. This is super annoying to both your child and the coach and the last thing you want to do is create tension.
- Giving unsolicited advice.
No one likes unsolicited advice. I’m sorry to inform you that your role as a parent doesn’t actually change that fact. If your child asks for advice, go ahead. If they don’t, keep it to yourself. Again, leave it up to the teacher/coach. They know how to do this job, they will see if there is something that needs to be said. Even if they don’t see it straight away, who cares? Honestly, it’s better to leave it for now than to sacrifice your role as unconditionally supportive parent. You are likely not the person they are wanting advice from in this instance or they would be asking for it.
- Telling them what they did wrong.
I know you are genuinely trying to help here, but you don’t need to do this either. Again, leave this to the coach. Are you sensing a theme here? I remember once my daughter came off stage after a performance and I had noticed she was dancing a little ahead of the music, probably due to nerves. Trying to be helpful I said something like, ‘remember to slow down, sometimes when we’re nervous it makes us go really quick’. Did she thank me for this comment? No. Her reply was, ‘Don’t you think I did good?’ Message received. This is not what she wants from me! Yes, I was just trying to help her and I had also told her how amazing she had danced, but this comment was still unhelpful. What is helpful to her is knowing her Mum is out there in the audience watching with a big smile on her face thinking every single thing she does is brilliant. That’s my role. Corrections are her teachers role and much better received from her because that’s literally her job. My job is cheerleader.
- Forcing them to practice.
Again, let them own it. Let them be in charge. They will work out how much they need to practice, they will have their own goals, they will feel uncomfortable at times when they are unprepared, they will work hard when they know they need to. All of these things are ok and they lead to intrinsic motivation. A parent pressuring you to practice is annoying and frustrating. Maybe you think you have paid for an activity and you want a certain amount of effort for your money? This is a you problem. Adjust your mindset. Pay because you want your children to have an experience they enjoy, not because you expect certain results. Trust your child and follow their lead. Maybe they actually do need your help with remembering to practice and ask you to remind them. Totally fine! There’s a big difference between assisting them in the ways they ask, and forcing something upon them.
- Rewarding them for doing well.
Eek! Don’t do this! No rewards, no punishments. There is no quicker way to kill intrinsic motivation and make things about you.
- Comparing to others.
This is never helpful. Every child has a unique path, and comparisons can create unnecessary pressure. Focus on their personal growth and what they enjoy rather than measuring them against someone else’s success.
- Focusing on winning.
Celebrate the process of trying, learning, and improving. Teaching your child that effort and growth are more valuable than the final result encourages a positive mindset and healthy self-esteem.
Ultimately, it’s much more enjoyable for everyone when we, as parents, can step back and recognize that this is our child’s journey, not ours. We don’t need to create tension over things that aren’t our responsibility. By letting go, we free ourselves from the worry of their practice routines, performance outcomes, and all the other details that belong to them. Instead, we get to be the supportive cheerleader who celebrates their successes and supports them through challenges. We become the constant presence they can rely on, the one who stands by them without conditions. And they get the incredible opportunity to fully own their journey and revel in their achievements. Isn’t that wonderful? Let’s embrace the joy of seeing them thrive and take pride in their accomplishments without overshadowing their efforts.
What are your thoughts? Do you find this balance hard?
