Parenting

The Real Gifts Your Children Need

Sometimes I wish there were more hours in the day, more days in the week, more weeks in the year, just so my children could do all the the things in the world they want to do. A money tree growing in the backyard would go nicely with this plan too. As parents, we just love them so much and want to give them everything! Logically I know getting everything you want isn’t a great plan, but still.

And then, I think about what I want them to remember when they are grown, what I want our family to feel like, what I hope our relationship will be like. Suddenly, doing extra dance classes, playing multiple sports, and all the other expensive activities on offer don’t seem to feature on my list at all. The gifts I can give my children, the real things they need, are free. They might take more effort on my part than driving them to rehearsals, but I can give them all of these things.

What do children and teens really need? The same things all people need; the things you and I need still from our parents and families. Maybe we never got it, maybe we still aren’t, but change starts with us. We can learn how to do that for our own children.

Children (and all of us, really) need to feel accepted, to know they’re loved without condition, and to feel secure in their relationships. These aren’t things we can sign them up for, or tick off a checklist; they’re given in how we respond to them, especially when things get hard. Just imagine what it would feel like to receive these things…

The Real Gifts Your Children Need

Unconditional Positive Regard

Unconditional positive regard is a term coined by psychologist Carl Rogers, which refers to accepting and supporting someone without any conditions or judgment, valuing them as they are.

Imagine for a moment you had a parent who always attributed good intentions to your actions, and approached any conflict or difficulties without judgement. Just thinking of that feels like a deep breath in and a weight off. Even as an adult this is what we need from our parents and families. What if there was nothing you could do that would make them think badly of you? What if, instead of jumping to conclusions, the people around you assumed positive intent and just checked in about what was going on with you? Wouldn’t you feel that you could just be yourself —free to make mistakes and learn with the support of someone who truly wants to understand and help you?

Not surprisingly, unconditional positive regard fosters self-esteem, emotional security, authenticity, strong parent-child bonds, positive behavior, mental health, and a supportive environment for growth and learning by ensuring children feel valued and accepted without conditions.

Does that mean we accept everything our children do? No. But it does mean instead of judging, shaming, and blaming them when they make a mistake, instead we realise that they are trying their best under the circumstances and they need our support, not criticism, to learn and grow from their experiences.

Imagine growing up under the gaze of a parent who truly saw and accepted all parts of you. What relationship do you think you would have with them as an adult?

Unconditional Love

This really goes hand in hand with the last point. Unconditional love is very similar in that it includes acceptance and non-judgement, but is also about loving your child regardless of the circumstances. It’s a deep, unwavering affection that doesn’t depend on any conditions or expectations. Unconditional love is about the emotional bond and affection a parent feels for their child, while unconditional positive regard is about the mindset of acceptance and non-judgment.

There are not many people that would say they don’t have unconditional love for their children. That’s what parent’s do, right? But, how many children truly feel it? It’s one thing to say it, but love is a practice. We want our children to have the knowledge that nothing they can do will change our love for them.

You practice unconditional love when you show affection consistently, listen without judgement, offer support even through mistakes, embrace someone’s individuality, celebrate people for who they are, work through conflict, forgive easily, express your love through words or thoughtful actions, and delight in spending time with people.

Unfortunately, a lot of recommended or accepted parenting practices promote conditional love. Punishment, rewards, withholding affection, shaming, judgement, coercion, comparing to others, shutting down emotions, conditional praise, etc, all tell your child ‘I love you more when you please me’. That’s not a message we want to send.

Continually Seeking Relationship

Children, and all people, need to feel loved, but they also need to feel wanted and truly known.

Parents, it’s our job to keep seeking out our children. To meet them where they are at, to get to know them in every new stage, to keep striving to connect with them even during rocky times.

Sometimes we will be rejected! Develop a thick skin. This is an opportunity to show your child that you can handle rejection and nothing will shake these foundations because you love them unconditionally. If you’re always showing up, they’ll always know where to find you.

So show up, through every stage. Show up when your teen seems distant, show up when your young adult is finding their way in the world without you, show up for your adult children and let them know that your love doesn’t change just because they don’t need you in the same way as before. Just show up.

Hard Conversations

Conflict resolution can be hard. It gets harder as your children enter the teen years, and harder again when they become young adults. The problems get more complicated than feeling upset over getting the wrong colour cup at breakfast. Hot tip: start practicing when they are young so you are a pro at it when they get older!

It is hard to have uncomfortable conversations. It can be hard to express how you feel. It’s hard to hear how you may have hurt someone you love. AND, it also feels like love when you have these conversations anyway.

A parent who has the hard conversations is a parent who cares and wants to work things out because they value a relationship with you. They want to make things right. They want to love you in the way that you need. They want to support you through every stage of life. They love you unconditionally, through easy times and hard times.

When a parent ignores issues and avoids the hard stuff, it feels like a lack of care. It feels like you are only loved when you meet their expectations, when you are easy, when you don’t make a fuss, when you are the version of yourself that they approve of.

Have the hard conversations. If you need help knowing how to do that, this is a great book on communication.

Accountability

There is a pressure as parents to know everything and always get everything right. That’s unrealistic and boring. It’s also setting our kids up to fail if we’re giving them the impression that it’s not ok to make mistakes.

You will make mistakes. That’s ok. You will learn from them. It’s what you do after that matters.

When your child comes to you to tell you something you’ve done that has hurt them, please don’t brush them off. Please be comfortable with your own feelings enough to be able to hear your child’s. Please realise that it can be true that you were doing your best while it was also true that your actions hurt your child. These things are not mutually exclusive. Explain your point of view, hear theirs, apologise, understand, commit to doing differently in the future. If at any age your child is able to come to you and articulate something you have done wrong and how they would like to be treated differently, that’s actually a massive win. What a skill! Do not shut that down.

Be accountable.

Grow.

Working on yourself

Speaking of growing, continue to work on yourself. Children are not the only ones who are supposed to be growing, parents are too!

We all have baggage from our own childhoods, we all have triggers. Nothing will make that more clear than having your own children. Your job is to work on yourself, and to get to the the bottom of any of your behaviours and feelings that come up that hurt the people around you. These things hold you back from having the best relationships you can, and you do not want to miss that. Do some internal work, read books, speak to people, see a therapist.

You will still make mistakes, and that’s totally okay. You’re human. But for a child, the difference between a parent who is growing and making mistakes along the way and one who refuses to change or acknowledge they need to is immense.

At the end of the day, it’s easy to get swept up in all the things we want to give our children—the classes, the experiences, the endless possibilities. But when it comes to what truly matters, it’s not about how much we can give but how we show up in their lives. These foundational gifts of love, acceptance, and commitment are what build relationships that last and people who know their worth. So maybe we don’t need those extra hours or a money tree in the backyard after all. We just need the intention to truly be there—for the hard conversations, the quiet support, and the unconditional love that shows our kids they matter, just as they are.

Imagine for a moment that you truly felt that as an adult. What an enormous gift.