Unschooling

The Unschooling Effect: Exceptional Teens?

This afternoon, as my 15-year-old daughter and I were just hanging out at home together, she suddenly squealed and exclaimed, “I’m so happy!” When I asked why, she said, “Just EVERYTHING! I’m going to start my garden again, I’m going to finish fixing up my bike, I’m decorating my room, I love the book I’m reading, I’m working on my face painting business… It’s all so exciting!”

This is a girl living her best life, with very few worries, waking up excited to start each new day. I couldn’t help but notice how different that is from the experience of many 15-year-old girls these days, and from my experience at that age too.

Ten years ago, when she was only 5-years-old, I wrote a post titled ‘My Kids are Not The Exception‘. You may have read it. In it I talked about how they were just normal children. We didn’t choose to homeschool because they were exceptional in any way, or specially suited to homeschooling. They were just normal kids. They loved to learn because all children love to learn!

Now they are older, in some ways I must revise my views. Are my children exceptional? You could say so, in that they are not what you may typically expect for children their age. They are often the exception.

There is a difference in them now. Anyone can see it if they get to talking to them, or watch them for a little while.

They are different.

You can absolutely tell they have never been to school. Although, most don’t know that’s what is different about them. They aren’t different in the way that most think homeschoolers will end up being different. You know, weird, anti-social, unable to fit in with normal society. It’s kind of the opposite of those things, actually. It’s how they approach life and how they move in the world.

Unafraid.

Joyful.

Confident.

For most people they meet, this is unexpected. It turns out, people don’t expect teenagers to willingly interact with adults, to be polite, or want to talk to them. They definitely don’t expect them to spend their time on self-motivated projects, healthy habits, and old-fashioned fun. Nope. What people have come to think of as normal (however inaccurate and offensive it may be) is a pretty grim view of teen life. I’m sure you know it well.

My children are not that. Let me tell you about them…

They see the world positively. For them, the world has been a positive and encouraging place most of the time. This has influenced their default perspective. Most often, they see things positively and are excited by life.

They are self-motivated and love to learn. They have spent all their time up until now learning what they want, when they want, with the support from the adults in their life to do that. Consequently, they are very skilled at coming up with ideas and directing their own learning. They’re also powered by their own intrinsic motivation since they’ve never been coerced into learning.

They expect the best when meeting new people. They’ve had many opportunities for meeting new people of all ages, whether it’s going about daily life in the real world, on an excursion learning from an expert, or venturing into new communities of peers for extracurricular activities or homeschool meetups. There has been a lot of time for them to learn social skills but there is also no denying it’s different to being put in a classroom with a bunch of kids your age, supervised by one adult, 5 days a week. Instead, they’ve always had adult support when learning social skills. This means that cases of bullying are rare and you have the opportunity to seek out friends you are drawn to by more than just proximity and age.

The big difference I see in them now is that they can confidently walk into most groups, start a conversation with someone, find their place, and enjoy themselves. A lot of children and teens who have just left school seem to struggle joining in with a community and feel quite anxious about it. That’s totally ok, the point I am making is that it appears at school you learn that other kids might not be all that nice. You are wary until you figure them out. Will they reject you? Make fun of you? The chances might seem high. Children who have not been to school don’t seem to have this thought as often. They expect everyone to be friendly and welcoming until proven otherwise, as this has usually been their experience.

They are honest. They tell me the truth, they like to share what’s going on in their lives, they ask my opinion, and we have a close relationship in general. This was built through many years of fun times together while homeschooling!

Funny sidenote… when I explained this post to my 15-year-old daughter (to get her feedback and make sure I wasn’t assuming anything she doesn’t actually feel) she launched into a story about how her and her 13yo sister had snuck ice creams into their bedroom at their Nanna’s house on the weekend. The secret had lasted about an hour before they blurted it out to us over breakfast. What I didn’t know was that while they were eating them they’d had a discussion about how it didn’t feel right to lie and that they would have to tell us the truth. So yeah, pretty honest even about the most unimportant issues in the scheme of things, haha.

They like spending time with their family. While every day on social media I see people complaining their teens don’t want to be around them anymore and when they are home they’re locked in their rooms, our experience is completely different. Of course they love their friends and want to spend more time with them as they get older, but they also love their family and there’s nothing they enjoy more than family time. We’re still choosing them, and they’re still choosing us. My oldest is 15 now so we’re right in the middle of the teen years, but she’s honestly as connected as ever.

They know their voice and opinion matters. They have not spent significant amounts of time in places where their voice and opinion didn’t matter. On the contrary, their opinion about their own life matters most. When there’s a disagreement, we’re still aiming to make sure everyone is heard so we can work out a solution that’s acceptable to everyone.

They are confident. I have found an unschooling lifestyle to be a pretty sturdy path to confidence. When you are not regularly judged and compared against others it makes a big difference. When you aren’t coerced through rewards and punishments with the aim of making you a better human, you don’t doubt you already are. These kids are confident and sure of themselves.

They are content. I was going to say ‘they are happy’ but I don’t really think that’s accurate. They are happy a lot of the time, but being only ever happy is not our goal. I don’t want them only to express ‘positive’ emotions, but to know that however they feel is ok and to be comfortable with their feelings. They are comfortable expressing their feelings and they continue to learn more and more how to regulate them in healthy ways. They are honestly pretty joyful and positive too!

They are in tune with themselves. After spending their whole childhood figuring out who they are instead of being told, they really know themselves. That fact, combined with their confidence and strong relationships with family and community means they are not easily convinced to do anything that doesn’t feel right to them. I expect all teens will make mistakes and sometimes find themselves in uncomfortable positions with friends but knowing who you are, what your values are, and being confident to speak them is definitely healthy and a protective factor in the teen years.

Those are the main differences I see. Yes, I know, these are not traits exclusive to homeschooled kids, and there are wonderful teenagers everywhere. I believe it. But I also believe that this life we have chosen has made a massive difference. When they were 5-years-old most of their peers went off to school, and they didn’t. When I look around, I would be lying if I said I didn’t see a difference.

So yes, maybe now you would say my children are the exception. But honestly, it would be more accurate to say they have just had the freedom to grow into the people they were meant to be. I continue to wish for an education system that allows that freedom for all.